Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cry

Technically Chad's 24th birthday was yesterday, but here I am, still up at 2:21 in the morning just wanting to sleep all of this away. I will share photos and details of how I spent this day celebrating him, but for now, I just need to cry.

I'm crying because this is so fucking unfair. Why am I sitting here along celebrating the 2nd birthday my husband isn't here? I don't want it to be today. I want it to be 3 years ago when I celebrated Chads birthday with him. My living and breathing Chad. The Chad that was sitting next to me on our tiny love seat in our tiny house on base, eating sticky chicken. I want to go back to that birthday, not this one.

I'm crying because I am angry and completely heartbroken. He deserved all the birthdays in the world. We were suppose to celebrate years and years of life. We were suppose to grow old together and die together. This isn't the way it's suppose to be, the way it should be.

Why?!? Why did this have to happen? Why does my husband have to be buried in the ground? Why do I have to have the title of a widow? It's so incredibly unfair.

This still feels like a terrible dream. I want to wake up and everything to be the way it was meant to be. I want to be that 20 year old, naive, head over heels in love, Mrs. Wade. I want to roll over and hear Chad talking in his sleep. I want to wake up to the strong smell of his cologne, him kissing me goodbye before he leaves for work. I want to check my phone and see a missed message or call from "My Baby." I want to wash dirty cammies and have random military gear all over the house. I want to hang up his towel he always left on the floor after taking a shower. I want to attempt to carry him to bed, when he passed out on the couch at 7: 30 each night. I want to remember what it felt like to hold his hand, to see his facial expressions, and to hear his voice.

After a good cry, I always fall into a stage of some kind of shock. I'm drained and all I want to do is sleep all my worries away. Sleep everything away. Sleep away life until I am in his arms again.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

Falling apart

Sometimes I wish I could lend my brain to someone else for a day. Could someone else sort out everything? Give some good advice? Or would they think I'm just as crazy as I feel?

 I'm not sure if it's the grieving or me losing my marbles, but I feel so scatter brained I can barely keep up. I can't make decisions to save my life, and simple tasks exhaust me. It's like I can't even escape myself. I just want to unscrew my head, take out my brain, and chunk it out the window. Being a zombie sounds more appealing than what I'm dealing with.

Losing my mind is causing me to lose my sleep. It keeps me up all night, and wakes me up at all hours. I just want to sleep. Really sleep. I want to wake up feeling refreshed. I want to be able to conquer an entire day without feeling like I need to tape my eyes open. Being exhausted everyday doesnt even begin to explain it. It's a different kind of tired. It's as if every single cell in my body is begging for a break.

I need to take better care of myself, but I'm not sure how. I have no motivation to do much of anything. When I do find the motivation, before I know it, just the thought of getting started is overwhelming. Then I'm back to square one wishing I could sleep all my problems away. It's like a vicious cycle. All I want to do is sleep, but then I wake up to the same problems and hours of wasted time.

I just don't feel right, like my whole system is off. Food is hardly ever appealing these days. I'm always tired. Ive been sick twice in the past month. My body aches. I feel like I'm barely making it through the days. Everyday is like one day closer to my body finally giving up. I just want to sleep....

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

What I wish I knew then...

It's been a whole year and a half since my world was completely turned upside down. Hell, I remember writing a post only 11 days after, in disbelief that I was still walking this planet. It's a bitter sweet feeling knowing I've made it this far.

I look back to a year ago this month and it feels like a whole lifetime ago. Chad's battalion got home from the deployment, and his memorial was on his birthday. I was at a place were I was angry and confused. Knowing he didn't come back with the guys felt like a giant slap in the face and a middle finger blurring my vision.

Dear 1 year ago self,

Don't let all the "critics" get to you. They have no fucking clue what is like to walk a day in your shoes. If you spend all that time letting people break you down, you'll find yourself picking up the pieces for the rest of your life. Whether what you're doing is right or wrong, they will always have an opinion. Don't waste your time. You'll soon learn they aren't worth it.

Slow down!! You don't have to have the whole world figured out yet! Take a step back and just be. Feel how good if feels to just be alive and to breathe. You will wake up in the morning to a brand new day.

Those first few nights crying alone in your new place, will become farther and fewer between. It wont sting as much, and believe it or not...one day you will actually prefer to cry alone. Picking up the phone rarely happens these nights. You have yourself to fall back on, and you'll learn what you need in that very moment to get through it. Even with that being said, it is still ok to fall back on others when you have those extra rough nights.

For the first time in your life you will accomplish something that makes you so proud of yourself. It will be hard and you will want to give up towards the end, but you'll stick it out anyways. One day you will have a well-earned diploma in your hand. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for that one. :)

Last but not least, life has a way or working things out. You might not see it but there's a reason for everything. You will grow up so much after all of this. You will meet amazing people and people who, to put it bluntly, fuck you over. I know you're thinking, "How could anyone take advantage of a young widow?" Well hunny, don't be so naive, because they will if you let them. Just know that through the process you learn more about yourself and the world around you. Cherish the ones who do care. I know it's hard and scary, but trust me...you'd miss them if they were gone.