Sunday, April 29, 2012

Is this just a phase? Am I just now starting the process of growing into the woman I am suppose to be? I have no clue. I'm just along for the ride I guess.

I've grown up my entire life dreaming of my fairy tale, grown up life. Now for the first time EVER, I am questioning every thing I thought I wanted. I grew up playing with baby dolls, practicing and anticipating the day I would be a mommy. Having kids almost meant more to me than getting married. I spent 6 months with Chad trying to get pregnant. After he passed away, I told myself that whether I found a man one day or not, I'd have kids on my own.

The past few months, having kids doesn't seem so appealing. I am in no way trying to offend anyone for having or wanting kids. At one time, that is all I dreamed about. But did I dream it because it is what I wanted, or because I felt like that was how normal people do things? You get married and have kids. In that order. The thought never crossed my mind that I could live happily any other way.

I'm not completely cutting out the idea of my head, but for the first time, I'm considering other options. Some days I don't even know if I want to get married again. Do I hope I find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, yes!! But my need to be a wife and a mom isn't as strong as it use to be. Even if it was, that wouldn't be for a very, very long time. What if that long time comes around and I still don't want it? That is ok. 2 years ago just the thought of never having either of those things gave me anxiety.

Maybe the thought of getting married again scares me because of what I have been through. Maybe it's unappealing because it's so scary to even think of trusting someone else all over again,while running the risk of losing them. Maybe I don't want to wear another mans ring on my finger. I will always have hope that I can find love like I had with Chad, again. But am I willing to get married all over again, I don't even know anymore.

Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's fear, maybe I'm growing up. Maybe I have no idea what I am talking about...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Saying I miss Chad doesn't even begin start to explain how much my heart misses him. I miss him so damn much. I feel like that's all I can say. I miss him and want him back more than I need air to breathe. I need him so much.

Not a night goes by that I don't look at the stars and think of you Chad. I love you with my whole heart and then some.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Something Familiar

When everything seems to be up in the air and nothing makes sense, I have one familiar face I turn to.

Some days I feel like the only thing I know in life is Chad. It's the only thing I am sure of and have no unanswered questions. I knew the love he had for me and the love I had for him. I knew who came home to me every day. I knew who to call when things were falling apart. I knew who I could count on. I knew what I'd wake up to every morning. I knew that even if he was away training, I wasn't alone. I knew what I wanted for our future. Chad was my future.

I had solid ground to stand on with confidence. Sometimes I now feel like I'm standing on too many cracks to count. So many unanswered questions. Everyday is a mystery. Everything is spinning around me and I don't know where to begin. It's almost overwhelming. I feel like I'm just going with the motions. I don't really want to try at anything, and just let things take its toll.

Honestly, I think that's as good as it's gonna get. So everyday is basically a big F you to the world. I just don't care....at all.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Boy has it been a while. A few have mentioned that they miss reading my blogs. And honestly guys, I'm not sure there's much else to say.

Besides grieving, I've got a whole new pile of crap I'm trying to sort through. Maybe it's not necessarily not having anything to say, as it is that I'm scared to share it. My trust in others has gone down the shitter fast. Some days I can feel my bitterness getting to an all time high. In a lot of ways I blame myself for getting close to people I shouldn't have. I really don't know. These days I just feel like such a fuck up. Like I'm bound to always have something going on because I don't deserve any better. Lately, I really worry that my life with Chad was as good as its gonna get. Maybe that's the only love I will ever find. Maybe that was it. Plain and simple.

I just miss when things were easy. I miss the unconditional love from Chad. I hate feeling so alone.

So there it is folks. I haven't been writing because it's just been the same old shit.