Thursday, May 10, 2012

Falling apart

Sometimes I wish I could lend my brain to someone else for a day. Could someone else sort out everything? Give some good advice? Or would they think I'm just as crazy as I feel?

 I'm not sure if it's the grieving or me losing my marbles, but I feel so scatter brained I can barely keep up. I can't make decisions to save my life, and simple tasks exhaust me. It's like I can't even escape myself. I just want to unscrew my head, take out my brain, and chunk it out the window. Being a zombie sounds more appealing than what I'm dealing with.

Losing my mind is causing me to lose my sleep. It keeps me up all night, and wakes me up at all hours. I just want to sleep. Really sleep. I want to wake up feeling refreshed. I want to be able to conquer an entire day without feeling like I need to tape my eyes open. Being exhausted everyday doesnt even begin to explain it. It's a different kind of tired. It's as if every single cell in my body is begging for a break.

I need to take better care of myself, but I'm not sure how. I have no motivation to do much of anything. When I do find the motivation, before I know it, just the thought of getting started is overwhelming. Then I'm back to square one wishing I could sleep all my problems away. It's like a vicious cycle. All I want to do is sleep, but then I wake up to the same problems and hours of wasted time.

I just don't feel right, like my whole system is off. Food is hardly ever appealing these days. I'm always tired. Ive been sick twice in the past month. My body aches. I feel like I'm barely making it through the days. Everyday is like one day closer to my body finally giving up. I just want to sleep....


  1. Katie,

    I have no Ideal what you are going through. Maybe reaching out to other widows would help. I am sure you have heard of the American Widow Project they do wonderful things maybe going on one of their retreats would be good for you.

    hang in there Sweetie.

  2. I haven't been in your shoes. I don't fully understand what you are experiencing but you really sound like you are experiencing all of the symptoms of a serious depression. Don't ignore that! Get help! I'm praying!

  3. When my husband was injured last year, I was a wreck. Stress is so incredibly taxing on the body. I did have depression but the most debilitating issue I had was anxiety. The depression has gotten better but the anxiety and sleep never really did. I also have a bad appetite. If I went through all of that, I can only pretend to imagine what you might be feeling and I doubt it would anywhere near the hell you're experiencing. I hope that you find things that help you. Sending you love and hugs.

  4. Oh, Katie, I completely understand the feeling. Right when you think you may be able to handle this new life you get smacked right back down. Try as hard as you can to take care of yourself, and do what you need to do. One day at a time- give yourself permission to take the time. Sending you some hugs!

  5. I have read all your post on this blog, and I know no matter what I write I can't take your paing away. I just sincerely wish you the best in your future. I know there's something awesome in your future. As for now, I think you should get professional help. It seems to me that anxiety is taking its toll on your health and body, and so is depression. Maybe it would be a good idea to see a therapist. Take it slowly one day at a time. Heck, one second at a time.. My best wishes to you and may the God above who loves you bless you :)