Technically Chad's 24th birthday was yesterday, but here I am, still up at 2:21 in the morning just wanting to sleep all of this away. I will share photos and details of how I spent this day celebrating him, but for now, I just need to cry.
I'm crying because this is so fucking unfair. Why am I sitting here along celebrating the 2nd birthday my husband isn't here? I don't want it to be today. I want it to be 3 years ago when I celebrated Chads birthday with him. My living and breathing Chad. The Chad that was sitting next to me on our tiny love seat in our tiny house on base, eating sticky chicken. I want to go back to that birthday, not this one.
I'm crying because I am angry and completely heartbroken. He deserved all the birthdays in the world. We were suppose to celebrate years and years of life. We were suppose to grow old together and die together. This isn't the way it's suppose to be, the way it should be.
Why?!? Why did this have to happen? Why does my husband have to be buried in the ground? Why do I have to have the title of a widow? It's so incredibly unfair.
This still feels like a terrible dream. I want to wake up and everything to be the way it was meant to be. I want to be that 20 year old, naive, head over heels in love, Mrs. Wade. I want to roll over and hear Chad talking in his sleep. I want to wake up to the strong smell of his cologne, him kissing me goodbye before he leaves for work. I want to check my phone and see a missed message or call from "My Baby." I want to wash dirty cammies and have random military gear all over the house. I want to hang up his towel he always left on the floor after taking a shower. I want to attempt to carry him to bed, when he passed out on the couch at 7: 30 each night. I want to remember what it felt like to hold his hand, to see his facial expressions, and to hear his voice.
After a good cry, I always fall into a stage of some kind of shock. I'm drained and all I want to do is sleep all my worries away. Sleep everything away. Sleep away life until I am in his arms again.