Monday, April 16, 2012

Something Familiar

When everything seems to be up in the air and nothing makes sense, I have one familiar face I turn to.

Some days I feel like the only thing I know in life is Chad. It's the only thing I am sure of and have no unanswered questions. I knew the love he had for me and the love I had for him. I knew who came home to me every day. I knew who to call when things were falling apart. I knew who I could count on. I knew what I'd wake up to every morning. I knew that even if he was away training, I wasn't alone. I knew what I wanted for our future. Chad was my future.

I had solid ground to stand on with confidence. Sometimes I now feel like I'm standing on too many cracks to count. So many unanswered questions. Everyday is a mystery. Everything is spinning around me and I don't know where to begin. It's almost overwhelming. I feel like I'm just going with the motions. I don't really want to try at anything, and just let things take its toll.

Honestly, I think that's as good as it's gonna get. So everyday is basically a big F you to the world. I just don't care....at all.


4 comments:

  1. Katie,
    Don't give up I am sure you feel like your life will never be as good as it was with Chad. It seems to me you have been going through the grieving process on your own with both your and Chads family not being here in California. Although it is great to have friends one thing for sure is you can count on is family. Maybe lean on them and those cracks you feel like your standing on won't feel so overwhelming. Maybe in some mysterious way Chad is trying to lead you back to the people who love you and you count on.

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  2. Hello Katie,
    My name is Amber and my husbands name is also Chad. I forget how I stumbled upon your blog, but finding it was good for me. I wasn't being thankful enough for what I have and wanted to kick my own ass after reading what you've been through. (Not that it will make you feel any better knowing that I've benfited from your loss) Your husband is still gone and sometimes I think of you and get so angry with God. You didn't deserve that and no one should have to experience a loss like that...the one you are still experiencing.
    Not that I know so freaking much about life, but one thing I am sure of, that has been proven to me over and OVER again, is that God is there and he loves us. I don't know why this was something you had to go through in this life, and if I ever have to experience the loss of my husband, I don't know what I will do.
    I guess I just wanted you to know, that I am angry too. Plain and simple. At the same time, I know you can get through this. That you can/will love someone again, with out having to lose your Chad in the process. I believe he is still yours and will always be yours, no matter what else happens in this life or what other necessary steps you take in this life to move on and be happy. What you've been through has been too hard to not have a an eventual pay out. I hope you hear me on that.
    *Disclaimer:I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (I promise I am not trying to baptize you, lol) If interested, please read/listen to a few talks that I feel, will bring peace to you as they do for me.

    1) This one is very factual:

    http://www.lds.org/ensign/1972/10/alone-through-death?lang=eng

    2) This has more perspective: (You should listen, not read, this one. I LOVE this talk)

    http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-relief-society-meeting/2011/09/forget-me-not?lang=eng

    If you ever want to talk or if I can ever help you in anyway, no matter how much of a stranger I may be, I am here for you.

    Thank you for your honesty and bravery. I bet Chad is so proud of his girl!
    -Amber

    (xballarda@yahoo.com)

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  3. Hi Katie,

    I have read your blog since I read the article about Chad in the NY Times. Please know that you are not alone - reach out to someone to help you as you grieve. No matter how dark it feels right now or how many missteps you have made - things can get better. My children are about your age - and if they were hurting like you - I would hope someone would reach out to them if I was not able. I think I read that you lost your mom when you were a young child. I am so sorry - this is so hard. Please find a kind or safe person to talk to to guide you. You are not alone - as one American - I am thankful for your husband's sacrifice on our behalf. Find a way to honor him by filling in your time with things that make you fulfilled and happy - like school or work. When you find happiness, you will attract people that are happy too. (hugs) to you sweet girl. Know that people out in the world are hoping you find peace and happiness.

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  4. F you world. F you.

    "I knew that even if he was away training, I wasn't alone."

    you guys must have had an amazing love to know you weren't alone even when he wasn't there. I've always been impressed by the intelligence in your words, even as you grieve, and this is no exception. there are no answers and I do feel like if you just let each day go and don't try at anything, you'll still end up where you're supposed to be. what you guys had was incredible, and that means something. we may not know what it means, there might be too many damn cracks to get your footing, but that love means something. one day, hopefully, all these pieces will start to fall into place. but i am so sorry for your grief and your loss as they do, because of what could have been.

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