Is this just a phase? Am I just now starting the process of growing into the woman I am suppose to be? I have no clue. I'm just along for the ride I guess.

I've grown up my entire life dreaming of my fairy tale, grown up life. Now for the first time EVER, I am questioning every thing I thought I wanted. I grew up playing with baby dolls, practicing and anticipating the day I would be a mommy. Having kids almost meant more to me than getting married. I spent 6 months with Chad trying to get pregnant. After he passed away, I told myself that whether I found a man one day or not, I'd have kids on my own.

The past few months, having kids doesn't seem so appealing. I am in no way trying to offend anyone for having or wanting kids. At one time, that is all I dreamed about. But did I dream it because it is what I wanted, or because I felt like that was how normal people do things? You get married and have kids. In that order. The thought never crossed my mind that I could live happily any other way.

I'm not completely cutting out the idea of my head, but for the first time, I'm considering other options. Some days I don't even know if I want to get married again. Do I hope I find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, yes!! But my need to be a wife and a mom isn't as strong as it use to be. Even if it was, that wouldn't be for a very, very long time. What if that long time comes around and I still don't want it? That is ok. 2 years ago just the thought of never having either of those things gave me anxiety.

Maybe the thought of getting married again scares me because of what I have been through. Maybe it's unappealing because it's so scary to even think of trusting someone else all over again,while running the risk of losing them. Maybe I don't want to wear another mans ring on my finger. I will always have hope that I can find love like I had with Chad, again. But am I willing to get married all over again, I don't even know anymore.

Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's fear, maybe I'm growing up. Maybe I have no idea what I am talking about...