Monday, November 14, 2011

So strange

It's been a while since I have blogged. Its been a tough few weeks...So I am going to do my best in describing what kind of place I am in these days.

Little did I know that getting closer to the one year mark would bring on so many triggers. Little things I didn't even give a second thought in the midst of loosing my husband. But I feel as if I am exactly where I was one year ago. What really gets me is when I am outside smoking a cigarette, drinking a Starbucks caramel brulee latte, and feeling the cold chill of the night. I swear my mind goes back to the same state it was in one year ago. As if I am back at my old apartment waiting for a phone call, scheduling a wives dinner night, writing Chad on Moto mail, and making care packages. And lately I feel so misplaced in my new apartment. Like this isn't my home or where I am suppose to be. I drove to my old apartment the other night and parked right out front just to feel as if I was home again. It felt so natural to park in my old spot and I felt that if I walked in, it would look exactly how it did when Chad left. For the first time in a long time, my memory seems to be back to normal. Better than normal, everything is so strangely familiar. I have a few letters that I know if I went through I could read them on the same exact day he wrote me them last year. I'm not sure if that would bring me comfort or pain. But with this crazy memory I have lately, it might be nice to read them and hear his voice.

It's like watching a movie and knowing the ending. I want to tell Chad, I don't care if we have to run away, just don't get on that white bus. God the things I would've done to keep him from leaving if I knew what I know now. The pain and hurt we would've escaped. I wonder what kinda of life we would be living instead.

I feel like I'm preparing myself for everything to happen all over again. Man the anxiety I feel these days. I have to take a step back and remind myself this isn't November 2010. I'm not going to get a knock on my door Dec 1st. I wont have to make arrangements for my husband funeral. I wont have to start all over again. I still feel as if I'm just drifting along in a fog until disaster strikes me again. What a crazy stage of grieving huh?

I feel so out of place here. As crazy or creepy as it might sound, I'm going to visit the old apartment and take a walk. Feeling as if I've gone back in time and that Chad is still alive, just deployed, is kind of comforting. I know I can only pretend for so long.