Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A few steps back.

I don't feel as if I am all of the things people perceive of me. Some things yes, but I'm pretty good at putting on a good face when it is needed.

Something was brought up to me I really hadn't put much thought into before. Other widows reading this blog. This life is still so new and foreign to me, I forget there are, unfortunately, hundreds of other women in my position. And we definitely wont be the last of them ladies.

This all goes back to not feeling in myself what others see in me. People claim that I am a strong, brave, confident woman. In some parts of my life I can see some of those things. I also in some ways hope I'm not fooling all of you. And if other widows are reading this, I don't want them to get this image in their head that I am all put together and I am at a point in my life where everything is great, only 10 months out. Not only for other widows, but I believe it is important for everyone else to see me as a real person. Not some super woman persona I feel I have to live up to.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still a mess. I still struggle and I still fall. In a lot of ways my life has gone in a better direction, but I am in no way completely healed, nor do I ever expect to be. I forget it hasn't even been a year yet. I stop myself and think I need to slow down. I am the type of person who wants to be great in everything they do. If I had it my way, I would never show weakness or any signs of not having my shit figured out. That's not reality. I am a human being with struggles, fears, and weaknesses. I have problems....Hell I have a whole lot of problems.

Somewhere along the line I got lost. I forgot that healing takes time. I forgot that no matter what life throws at me, it is impossible to perfect every part. I am a very impatient person, and it gets the best of me. I so badly want to be better and be this amazing person you claim I am. I want so badly to be apart of life again. And some days, I want so badly for this all to be a thing of the past.

I really believe I got caught up in my surroundings. Maybe this is the time where I willing take a few steps back.