Saturday, September 17, 2011

September 18th, 2009

My wedding anniversary is tomorrow. I've been anxiously anticipating this day for weeks, and today it took all I could not to think about what tomorrow will be.

I'm not even sure how to explain how I am feeling. I think about how lucky I was to get the time to be married to Chad while I did. I'm proud of our wedding and I, like any other wife, think it was the most beautiful wedding ever. The day went by way too fast, and I still kick myself for not remembering to have someone record it. I do however, how plenty of gorgeous photos. At the same time, I feel extremely lonely. So lonely that I went to window shopping just to be surrounded by people to try and keep my mind busy. I find myself doing this a lot lately. Going out and just walking around so I'm not stuck at my house alone with my thoughts. When it's time to head home, I am more sad then when I got there, because I am still going home alone. Then those lonely thoughts lead to how I got to this place in my life. I know I am definitely feeling sorry for myself, but that's ok and I am allowed sometimes.

I remember when we had our first dance to Brad Paisley's song "Then," Chad whispered to me, "I think we are dancing too fast." I laughed and told him to just enjoy the moment. We promised each other that ever year on our anniversary we would dance to our song. I wish so badly that he was here to dance with me.

Time is flying by so fast. I'm going through all of the "firsts" after my husband death. Before I know it, a year has past and it will be another painful December 1st. It's too much for my mind to handle. Right now, I want to crawl into a hole and die.