Monday, August 29, 2011
There's definitely still days I feel like I am dying inside. As if the pain is spreading and it's only time before it completely takes over. I cry just as hard as I did the day I was notified. I feel the same hopelessness and loss. The same excruciating pain that feels as if it will stay buried in me forever.
Friday, August 26, 2011
There's no doubt that when Chad died, a piece of me died too. A piece I clung to everyday. I have gone through phases of insecurity and confusion. I wonder, who am I without Chad?
I've gone this whole time thinking I would fill that hole up with "Katie" things. Things that make me who I am, the woman my husband fell in love with. I don't think I can ever fill that hole. Instead, I have learned to focus on the rest of the pieces I still have. Those are the things that make up Katie. I will forever have a missing piece for my sweet Chad. It will be filled once when I too, die and am reunited with him.
I have realized I have a big heart. Even though the thing I loved the most in this world is no longer here, I have too much love left to go untouched. If anything, I have learned to cherish that love even more. A part of me belonged to Chad. I picture that part with his name written on it. It will always belong to him. I made that promise to him in front of friends and family on September 18th, 2009. And that, is one promise I fully intend on keeping.
I miss him. I miss him so incredibly much. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the way he smiled and laughed. I miss HIS big heart and all of the love he gave to those around him. I miss his humor and bursts of goofiness. I miss the way he took care of me. You all know this, but I miss everything about him.
I also miss my innocence. I noticed a difference in photos taken before all of this. You can see happiness in it's purest form. After all I have been through these past 8 months, I look worn out and tired. There's not that spark in my eyes and no shine in my smile. At least, not like it use to be.
Tonight I'm taken back to all I have been through this year. It's overwhelming. How am I still standing? I know this post compared to last is a lot different. I think our wedding anniversary coming up is haunting me. I take a few steps forward, and few steps back.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I am happy to say I have been too busy to blog lately. I' almost finished with my 2nd week of school and I am loving it. Between that and my new pup, I hardly have time for much else. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like I have a purpose and something to offer this world. Even if its only taking care of 2 dogs and learning how to do facials, that's than more enough for me.
There's a huge part of me that hopes Chad is looking down on me, at least every now and then to make sure I am ok. But there's a difference between watching from afar and sharing these experiences with me. I wish he could see my blonde hair, my new puppy, my new apartment, and me leaving for school early every morning. I think about all that has changed and how different of a person I am. I smile to myself thinking how proud he would be. I know if he was watching he would be extremely proud. I just wish I could hear him say those words. Whenever we talked on the phone while he was away and I was doing well, he would always say, "You sound so good baby." If I could talk to him now, I know he would tell me how good I sounded. I think hearing the happiness in my voice made him happy. As Chad would say, he loved the shit out of me. haha
When I cry these days, it's more me missing Chad himself. Missing the good times. And sometimes I cry when I think of a funny memory. I hardly feel sorry for myself or for Chad. I don't cry out of anger. I cry because my husband was an amazing one, and boy do I miss that man. My husband being killed in Afghanistan has become apart of me. I'm not embarrassed of it. Sometimes I forget how intense my story might sound to a stranger. I'm at a point where it's just a part of my life. I rarely question why us. I feel that it was just apart of my journey through this crazy world. As if it was always in the cards for me, I just didn't know it. That's almost sad to me in a way...at the same time, I think it's a huge turning point in my grieving. I don't want to say I am peace with all of this, maybe accepting. Of course it still stings, but it stings in a different way.
I don't feel like I am constantly searching for some comfort in my life. I am now completely content with coming home after school, reading, and going to bed early, and then doing it all over again the next day. I have a small sense of stability and I never want to let it go. Being alone isn't haunting anymore. I have actually gotten to a point where I prefer it. It feels good, almost too good. I'm afraid if I totally admit how happy I have been, it will all be taken away. That's the next step, to let myself fully enjoy this stability while I have it and not question whether the world is playing a trick on me. Whether this is all real, and whether it is going to be taken away or not.
One day at a time.