Sunday, June 19, 2011

Painfully bittersweet...

As Chads wife I find especially hard to find my place in all this grieving. I will always have love for Chad. Realistically, I wont always be in love with him. You can't be in love with someone who isn't here. Not for very long anyways. As much as I want to stay in love with him, and live my life everyday through him...whether I avoid it or not, I can't. That's just the way it is. As much as I hate saying/thinking life will slowly move on from the life I had with Chad. It in some ways, already has. Again, that's just the way it is. That's especially hard for me. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions right now. Before my whole life revolved around everything Chad. Now I find myself wanting so badly to just be apart of a normal life. It's hard to remind myself that that doesn't make me a bad person. I hope this is making some kind of sense..

I wish my whole house was covered in photos of Chad. I wish all my conversations were about Chad. I wish I could still wear my wedding ring without it breaking my heart. I wish he was still my whole life like he was when he was here. Maybe that's me clinging onto the memory of him. This is where I get torn... Because as much as I want to have have a "Chad" filled life, it hurts too much. It's all reminders that Chad is no longer apart of my life and no longer will be. That's when I want to turn and focus on the things I do have to look forward to. In a funny way, I feel like I can't keep loving Chad the way others do. Chad was my entire life. He was reason for waking up every morning. He was the reason I would go to bed. Just to lay next to him even if I wasn't tired. Absolutely everything was for Chad and I's life together. He was my future.

I will never have that "Chad" life again. And it's so hard to build a new one when all I want is my old one. I know there's no rush. I know this will take time. I just, for the first time, have hope for a future. It's scary as hell. It's also like a breath of fresh air. I feel guilty for wanting to go towards that. I'm also terrified to go towards that. Chad was my safe place.

Being his wife meant the world to me. Just being able to say he chose me is an honor. I just wish it didn't put me in such a confusing position. I just wish he was still here. At the end of every thought and would always be so much easier if he was just still here.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I just want to feel ok...

It's late and I'm feeling like crap. I've been stuck with a sore and swollen throat for 2 days. I don't feel like doing anything, and at the same time I feel guilty for just sitting around the house. My mind starts going crazy with things I should or need to be doing. I get so overwhelmed and worn out from just thinking about it, I end up not wanting to do anything. Ahhhhhh! I just wish I could relax for 5 minutes. Whatever mood I'm in, whatever the hell I am doing... I just want to know and feel like it's ok. 5 minutes where I'm just content with everything at the moment. I just need 5 minutes to prove that it's still possible....5 minutes to turn off my brain.

I literally question and over think every detail of my life. "I need to do this, or Katie don't do that or people will judge." Simple tasks stress me out. My anxiety level is unexplainable! I wonder how long this will last. 3 more months? A year? The rest of my life? Just sitting here thinking about it is stressing me out. I feel like my sanity and confidence all went out the door when Chad passed. As if the secure and easy going person inside of me, also died on Dec 1st.

I feel stuck. Almost helpless in a sense. I'm torn between what I feel and what I "should" feel. Then I feel bad for feeling the way I feel. I worry about what I should and shouldn't write. If I even want to write. What the hell do I even want to talk about? What are people going to think? Was this a bad idea from the beginning? Is it too late to stop now? It's shit like that..get me on one topic and I could question it for days. More so than the questioning, I get frustrated that I have no control over it. No matter how much I want to clear my head, new things creep up on me, tap me on my shoulder and say, "Hey don't forget to worry about this!"

Am I going crazy? It feels that way sometimes. Chad wouldn't have ever let me get to this point. He knew me and knew when I was stressing. Even if neither of us had the answers, I was simply ok in the fact that HE said it would be ok. Why isn't "my" ok good enough? It was good enough for Chad when he needed support....So why can't I be enough for myself? Chad was just so good at it. He was always so calm, cool, and collected. I wish he was here to balance me out right now. Whenever I had doubts about anything, I could always count on him to say, "It'll be ok babe." Even when I knew that's all he would say, it just didn't feel right until I heard it from him. Gosh, what I would do to hear that right now.

Monday, June 13, 2011

It's too late to save him, but there's still hope for saving me.

Sooo, a few people might be upset about what I am going to say, but I made a trip back home last week! I didn't really tell anyone except close family that I was going to be there, so please don't take offense if you didn't know! I just knew that it would be overwhelming being back for the first time since the funeral, so I didn't want to over do it. Besides its the first time since I have been married that I got to spend quality time with my family and that was important to me.

It was a good trip, and yes I drove all by myself to Arkansas! All 23 hours each way, just me and Remi. :) The drive was surprisingly easy. And after being pulled over for my tinted windows, a bird flying into my windshield, and my dog stepping in gum, I made it back to Cali a few hours ago.

Like I said, it was a good trip! I finally got to go to Chads grave, which meant the world to me. I've felt guilty that it took me 6 months before I got to go, but I knew once I was there, Chad was thankful for a visit from his wife. :) It was hard, really hard the first time. Then it was just peaceful to lay there with him. I kept thinking that the 90 degree weather was keeping him nice and warm. I know he is where he would want to be. For the first time in 6 months, all my doubts about where we buried him, went away. I left him flowers and a flag both times I went. I really wish I could go every single day...As I started my drive back to Cali, I had to fight back turning around. All I wanted was to go back to his spot and never leave his side. In a way I feel like it's symbolic that I kept driving. I love him with all of my heart, but living my life means letting go a little bit. It's hard to even type out those words...

Here are some photos from Chads birthday. They came out amazing and I can't thank Kristi enough. She is amazing for capturing this moment for me.