Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Here I am..

Tomorrow marks 6 months. Where has time gone? It's like it slipped right through my fingers. Half a year already...wow. I can't quite wrap my head around it.

I made it through his memorial and birthday. It turned out to go a lot more smoothly than I thought. It's true, the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day itself. The memorial was tough. I literally had a hard time standing up on my own two feet. Poor Mandy had to hold me up herself. As I stood there and looked at the boots, rifle, dog tags, and helmet.... I just couldn't believe I was married to those dog tags. How did I get here and why? I never thought in a million years that is where I would be standing on my husbands 23rd birthday. That didn't stop me from celebrating his birthday the way he would want me to. With good friends having a Budlight. I'm really glad I went to the beach and let those balloons go. That's a tradition I want to keep forever. It's the least I can do for the man who gave everything.

I miss that man more than anything. I don't think I will ever stop missing him. I just hope he can see me and be proud of where I am 6 months later. Proud of me, his friends, and family.

I'm so overwhelmed that it has already been 6 months. It leaves me speechless.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The big day..

Just a few more hours stand between me and the day I have been preparing for since Dec 1st. Chad's 23rd birthday and memorial.

Boy has time flown by. I've tried to "prepare" myself for this day, but you can't really prepare for something like this. This is more than just a memorial and birthday. This is a time for everyone, friends and family, to all get together at one time to honor Chad. Honor his life in the Marine Corps, his sacrifice, and memory. For the first time in almost 6 months, EVERYONE will be in the same place for the same reason. It's a little overwhelming the amount of people that I will see tomorrow, but it makes me so proud. So proud to say Chad has touched so many lives. Lives that will forever have a place for Chad, his family, and me.

Through all of the voices of concern, opinion, and advice, I only have one plan. Honor my husbands memorial and cry if I need to cry. Lean on the strong shoulders of friends if I need to. Then I want to celebrate his birthday with good friends. I bought orange balloons(Chad being a huge Tennessee fan), I'm going to write sweet birthday notes to Chad, and then let them go at the beach. I'm going to where Realtree(camo) and drink a Budlight. I'm going to eat at Chilis, where Chad and I ate at the most. Once I'm done celebrating his birthday, I am going to celebrate for myself. Celebrate that I made it all in one piece almost 6 months later. I made it. I will make it through tomorrow. Then I have made it half a year and through all of the hardest parts.

Until then, I will relax and count down the hours until I can wish my sweet man a big Happy Birthday.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Grow a pair

Anybody could, in a time of tragedy, run away from what they are really feeling. It doesn't take much character to hide from whats actually going on and play childish Highschool games. It doesn't take any balls to hide behind a computer screen and spit out nasty words.

It does take one hell of a pair to act like an adult, when all you want to do scream and play games back. I may be a sad grieving widow, but I will tell you one thing, I'm as tough as nails. Correct me if I am wrong, but it takes a "tougher" person to walk away gracefully with my head held high.

Besides, I have something better on my side. My husband in heaven who is seeing all of this.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Attempting to get on the right track..

So I am officially moved into my new apartment. My first big girl apartment. haha Well, the first time I have lived in my very own place, all by myself. I feel like I can somewhat breathe here and have a fresh start. This month has been rough, just like I expected. But getting this place all settled in has been a good distraction from everything.

Everyone is having their own homecomings right now. I can't believe this deployment is already over with. It feels like it was just yesterday that I hugged,kissed, and cried my husband goodbye to get on those dreadful white buses. I think the hardest part is that it's starting to feel real now. Real that this isn't just some terrible dream. This is real life and I am really widowed.

It's sad to leave our home, but it is also nice to not walk through the door I was notified in anymore. It's really surreal where my life has lead me the past few months. October seems like yesterday, but Dec 1st feels like years ago. I have changed so much. I have changed day by day, minute by minute. I feel like I have been through several lifetimes. It's the oddest thing. It's almost too big to wrap my head around. Some days I feel like me being married to Chad was literally a past life, as though I was reborn into this one. Does this make any sense? Sometimes it doesn't even make sense in my head.

So here's to a new beginning. I've still got to make it through this month with Chads birthday and memorial on the 25th. And seeing all of the guys again...I hope I can do it. I hope I can keep my sanity. I would hate to loose my mind anymore than I already have. I don't know what I did to make it this far, but I'm hoping I can keep trucking along with my head held high.

Monday, May 9, 2011

This was suppose to be different..

Right now, I should be getting ready for Chads homecoming. I should be excited, happy, and anxious. I should be cleaning, shopping, and primping. I should be sleeping in my bed alone for the last few nights... Instead I sit back and watch. I have never felt just completely sad in my whole life. I feel like I'm being left in the dust, waving goodbye to everything. I want to sink into a dark hole.

It's really starting to sink in. I can barely go out in public without breaking down. Today I was in Walmart, and for the first time, I cried when I saw a military couple holding hands. I freaking lost it in the middle of Walmart. Yesterday I cried in Target. I cry while I'm driving, I cry when I'm watching tv on the couch, I cry when I wake up in the middle of the night. And I'm crying while I type this entry.

I'm so incredibly lonely, but I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I'm lonely because I don't have Chad. No amount of good company could fill that hole.

This is so incredibly unfair.

Friday, May 6, 2011

No Title

I'm in a sad place right now, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm retracting and silently living my life. For the first time in 5 months, I truly feel like there are no words to explain anything..