When I cry, I feel like the rest of the world is crying with me.

Tonight I cried for the first time in 2 weeks. I once again sobbed on my porch..I guess I was pretty loud because a security guard stopped by to make sure I was ok. All I wanted was to keep sobbing and hug him. But I sucked it up so he thought I was ok long enough for him to go away, and for me to finish my pitiful cry inside. I cried for all the nasty things people have said about me, all of the wonderful things said about me, for all the times I haven't cried in 2 weeks, and for all the things I have ahead of me.

I seem to be doing better these days, but it still stings. Hurts to the most inner core of me. I smile more than I cry these days..but when I do cry its like a rush of sadness that's been tucked away. I'm scared as hell. I've never felt so lonely in my life and yet I still want to do the best in life.. It's hard to do that when I am constantly being pushed back.I take a few steps forward, and then a few steps back. It's a sick way of life. Nothing hurts worse than knowing this is it. It wont change. Chad isn't coming home..I was widowed at 20 years old and that has forever change and shaped me.

I do and don't want May to come. The rest of the Battalion gets home. Chad's birthday and memorial on base is on the 25th. I mostly likely will be forever leaving our home. I know it's time, I just once again, wonder if I can make it through.

Tonight I found a YouTube video a wonderful woman made about me. It was surprisingly hard to hear my life and story from someone else. I think it and live it..but actually hear it out loud..it's overwhelming. It's overwhelming to read words written in blog through someone else. This is real. I am Katie Wade and I am a widow. My husband died on Dec 1st of 2010. I almost have to say it over and over again to make it real. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe I was married to my soul mate, and then lost him in this nasty war. I can not freaking believe it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em1w37CeW5M

MIA

Yes, I'm alive. haha. Just took a little break from the blogging world for a bit. Between being super busy and having neutral feelings about things, just haven't' sat down to write anything.

I can't believe it has almost been 5 months since Dec 1st. Time is such a strange thing. It feels like time has flown by. At the same time, it feels like it has been 5 years. I'm in he middle of deciding whether or not to move into a different apartment. I'm not quite ready to move back home to Arkansas yet. I really like California. I hardly miss the small town feel where everyone knows everyone. It's nice to still somewhat live in my own little world here. This apartment is just starting to be a nasty reminder of what my life really is now. I'm anxious to get into my "own" place and start school. Time to put my big girl panties on and start focusing on my future. Although my life is a job all in itself right now, I'm at a point where I want more for my life than just living as a widow. I want a purpose other than folded flags and memorials. I want to meet new people and be able to say I have other things going for myself than just trying to figure out life without my husband. The past 2 years were completely lived for Chad. So it's a little scary to go out into the big world and find whats right for me. I'm scared as hell, but really excited at the same time.

I found a great new apartment, so I'm really hoping everything works out. It's only a few miles down the road, but it's perfect for me. I'm wanting to get a new dog and the apartments I'm in now wont allow more than one. I mostly just want to get away from the constant reminder of all the things that have happened in this place. Oh the things my porch has seen and heard. Lots of laughs, deep conversations, cigarette breaks, tears, and talks to the stars. I spent a lot of time on that porch with Chad. I also spent the first few hours after being notified, out on that porch sobbing and smoking like a chimney, wondering how the hell I would ever get through this. As for the kitchen, lots of memories of cooking Chad's favorite meals and him doing the dishes after. Yelling across the house "I love you." Lots of times Chad would come up to me cooking saying, "hug me, hug me, hug me," with his arms out wide. Everyday listening to Chad vent about his day at work. Lots of hilarious memories of running around with Remi. Dancing around like retards. Lots of nights watching tv next to a sleeping Chad. Lots of morning kisses goodbye before Chad left for work. I was always woken up by the strong smell of his Polo Blue cologne when he kissed me. The smell lingered while I fell back asleep after I heard the door close, lock, and the sound of the truck leaving the parking lot. Memories of friends coming over..or us just having a lazy day inside the house. I could go on forever with all the things this house has seen. It will definitely be hard to leave, but I think it's time.

I hate this...

No other way to explain right now is that I fucking hate this.

Ever since I started the whole taking down Chad's stuff...every picture I see still up makes me angry. They are everywhere and I feel like I keep finding something else I have to take down. It's not sad anymore...its just anger because I feel like I in some ways,left up all of our pictures as a way to holding onto that old life. Instead of not quite being sure if I was ready.. Im ready to stop fooling myself. I came home today to frame Chad awards and change up his spot a bit. I cried, I yelled, I ripped up pictures.. He's really not coming home. This is real. That man in those pictures is just a memory now. Im mad he's not coming home. I'm mad that I HAVE to have new life whether I want to or not. I'm mad that my house is basically empty with out all of it. I feel like I am nothing. Every important thing that has happened in the past 2 years, was with Chad. I nothing for myself. I put my whole life into my marriage with Chad. I am not mad about that...I'm just mad that that's it. That's all the memories I will ever have.

Now seeing everything up around the house...is a sick reminder that my husband died. I am nothing without that man. Nothing. What the hell am I suppose to put in those frames? Pictures of me? Of my dog? I just want to scream..

Photos

So today was suppose to be a big step for me. I talked about it, thought about it, and I felt good about it. When it came down to actually doing it, I basically backed down.

One thing that has become very apparent to me lately, is that Chad isn't coming home. I don't have a "Chad and Katie" life anymore. It's time for me to be aware of that and be ok with me living my life for me. Yes, I believe with my whole heart, that Chad is now my angel. But is he really watching my every move and judging it, no. Is he sitting right here next to me as I live my life. No. I am no longer Chads wife. I will never have a life with Chad again. This is MY life now. Chad will always be apart of me, my past, and present. But not near as much as he use to be. That is reality. Reality is I am here and he is not. For the sake of my sanity,I have to live for me now. As much as it sucks, it's the truth. Nothing I can do about it. I can't hold on to my past with Chad. I can hold it dear to me heart, but I can't keep living as if I am still Chad's wife. Does any of this make sense?

So step one I have figured out. Being realistic and seeing the situation for what it really is. Step two..didn't go so well. Me becoming myself again is a lot of work. My house has been a chad shrine since day one. Even since we have been married. The last 2 years of my life, I have always had tons of pictures up of Chad and I. And now I have his framed face everywhere in my home. It was good for me at first. Now it's a painful reminder that I will never have that life back. I feel in ways,I am not ready to give up the fairy tale that I have had in my head for 2 years. Maybe I am ready. It is just so hard to see it for what it is. No more living as a wife.

The past few days I have considered putting away some of the many pictures of Chad. Almost in a way of letting myself be ok with that it is just me know. It hurts to look at all of the memories in our photos knowing that's it. I bought very nice photo albums thinking I would put the photos in there. I tried yesterday and I couldn't. I have taken down almost everything, but I just can't get myself to take the photos out of the frames and move them into an album. Isn't silly that pictures can mean so much. Meaning so much more than just being proud decorations.

So today I have not taken anything out of any frames to replace them with different photos. I have only taken everything down to put it all into one spot of my house. And all the frames I didnt have room for are sitting in a basket, waiting for me to one day, go through them and replace them with new memories. I sat down and took a break. As I sat down on my couch, my dog Remi sitting close to me, listening to A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans...I thought this is it. It is just me and you Remi. No Chad. Just me, my dog, and a photo-less apartment.

Since I wasn't comfortable with putting away everything in a box just yet, I opted to only let one section of my house be for Chad. I think this defeats the whole purpose I am trying to achieve...but I also think it is a step in the right direction. And a decision that I hold close to my heart. So instead of my whole entire house, top to bottom, being full of Chad memories, I have respectfully left this place for it.

Palm Springs

Yes, I am finally going to share my Palm springs experience. Ever since I have been back to reality, it has been emotionally exhausting. I secretly have kept my bags packed in case I get the balls to just leave again. If only it was that easy to run away from things huh?

Our vacation in 103 degree weather was amazing! Perfect lay out by the pool weather, and that's just what we did! Our days consisted of 3 hours out by he pool and getting dressed up to go to dinner. Between me being naturally pretty pale, and loading on the sun screen every 15 minutes, I even managed to get some tan lines! I'm usually not really the type to love 100 degree weather, but it was perfect. I wanted to soak up as much Vitamin D as humanly possible.

I can honestly say, for the first time in over 4 months. I was RELAXED!! I forgot it was even possible. It was a nice reminder that not every part of my life is doomed. My back didn't hurt near as much as usual. I turned off my phone and didn't get online once. For the first time in a long time, I was just me. I didn't worry about having to talk about me being widowed to strangers. No one knew us. No one knew my husband just died 4 months ago. I was just some 20 year old girl off on vacation.

In the quiet of the night during our "porch time," we talked about life. You can always count on Mandy and I being stuck in the middle of a deep discussion. I swear, those would be the best words for people to hear. I'm serious when I say we should be recorded. We both shared secrets neither of us share with anyone else. Hell, I'm surprised that it took us so long to get to those secrets out. So even while I had fun getting dressed up and laying by the pool, I still worried about everything. Even on vacation, there was new things to cry about and share with my best friend. I wondered if could find the same relaxation here at home...but I was reminded that I live in the home that I was notified in. Framed photos of Chad crowd every part of my home. Here I have to answer the phone and to people. I have to mesh in and carry on with my life just like the rest of the world. That's where it gets hard. I want so badly to be apart of regular life again, I forget I am nowhere near ready. All in all, it was totally worth it. Every single part. Pool time and porch time. I would go back in a heartbeat. I relaxed, but most importantly, I learned a lot about myself I didn't know before.

Vacation!

Heres a little sneak peek into our week in Palm Springs. I look forward to blogging all about it soon!

my heart breaks..

Right now I should be writing about my wonderful trip to Palm Springs. Im sure I will within the next few days, and I will even share some photos. But being back in my apartment and back to the life I have to live right now, it's hard for me to focus on the great 4 days I just had. I feel guilty. Guilty for having a geniune good time for the first time in months. While the rest of the Batallion hasn't gotten a break. I feel quilty that I can go out and forget about everything for a little bit. I feel guilty for smiling and laughing when Chad can't... I just read an article written in the Wall Street Journal about Chads best friend Seth. An article that tells Seth's story and how he coped. I have known about this article for the past month or so. I have spent a lot of heartache over it. Mostly me being selfish that the details of my husbands death is now, for everyone to see. Details I never would share in my blog, or even, to anyone other than those closest to me. It's not fair that those personal details are for any curious person to read. But I can't do anything about it. It is out there now. I was hoping that it wasn't going t be published..but it is. Black and white. Painful words shared with everyone. As I read the article, surprisingly the words that hurt the most to me...were the ones explaining how Seth has dealt with watching his best friend die in combat. All of Chad's closest friends have been amazing to me ever since everything has happened. They have always been good men. They were close friends of Chads...so I didn't expect anything less. I have grown to love these men and see them as apart of my family. That is why it is so hard for me to actually hear what really happened after. I know that when they called, they toughed it out for me. Tried not to shed any tears or let me hear the fear in their voices. I knew this...but I let it be. I didn't want to bring up anything they weren't comfortable coming to me about. I don't ever want to lose touch with them, so I did the same to keep positive thoughts going when I talked to them. I didn't want them to dread their phone calls to me. I didn't want to be another burden on their plate, especially while they still had the rest of the deployment left. Today my feelings are being put aside. I want so badly to take away the pain these men are going through. Because I know some way some how, I could deal with it for them. They have visions burned into their brain I will never see. I had a dream once I saw everything happen. I woke up sweating, crying, and could barely catch my breath. That though, was made up thoughts that is only a dream. I do picture things in a more detailed way than I did before. Unfortunately. But at the end of the day, they were there. There to see everything. I want to take those haunting thoughts away from them. I know it meant the world to Chad to have had them there during his last few breaths of life. But the pain they go through is almost not worth it. Chad was taken away from any form of pain. Seth will feel it everyday for a long time. In a totally different and raw way than I do. I want so bad to take that away from him. I want so bad to hug him. It will be nice to see a familiar face. A face that meant so much to Chad. I am scared at the same time. Scared that I might break down completely when I hug them for the first time. The closeness I will feel to them is unexplainable. I am scared and worried. I can get over that as long as they all make it home safe. It's getting closer to the end and I wont be able to run from it any longer. If you guys are reading this.. know that love you. I love you no only because Chad loved you. But because of the brave men you are. I cannot thank you enough. Those first few phones calls after Chad died, will forever mean the world to me. I hope you all let me be there for you. I hope I get to see you when you get home. No pressure to feel any certain way. Just hang out with me and I think we will feel Chad right there with us. Chad could not be more proud of all of you and how you have been there for me. This is how he wouldve wanted it. I cannot tell you how many times he flat out told me, he would give his life for you guys before anything. Even me. I hope you can stop questioning it one day and be at peace that this is exactly how Chad would've wanted it. I love you guys with all of my heart. I am so proud of you. Know that forever.