Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What a day..

Right now I should be doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. Mandy and I are taking a few days of vacation to a resort in Palm springs. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Mandy that I would love to get away, go somewhere warm, and just be able to relax. 4 months later, I'm finally getting to do that. Problem is..I have a hard time knowing how to relax. haha. Just the person I am. Heck, I can barely shut off my thoughts long enough to get a massage. So I'm really hoping warm, sunny, 90 degree weather, is just what I need. I'm breaking out all the shorts,wedges, and floppy hats I've got!! Maybe I will post some pics here when we get back. I think I need to start sharing more pictures and stories of my everyday life. Maybe that will help me and you all see me as a regular person, rather than the labeled widow I am. There's a goofy, sarcastic, fun loving person behind these sad words, I promise.

Today though, was a rough day. One of the rougher days I have had in a while. I watched something I wish I wouldn't have watched. (and no it wasn't the Army wives episode) Anyways, while I watched this video and heard the music..I felt like I had gone back in time. Back to December when everything was still so fresh and a huge shock. Obviously I am still in a fog somewhat, because as I watched it I could not believe I had to go through that. And unfortunately for me, it felt like I was there in that same exact spot living it again. Not a good feeling to go back to, when at the time, I could barely stand on my own 2 feet. I cried just as hard as I did the day I was notified. The day I watched the video of the memorial they had in Afghanistan. Sobbing so hard you can't breath..and the worst...crying until you are literally sick to your stomach. I think of all the times I have cried in my life. And not one time can even remotely compare to the tears I have shed since December. The only way I can try to explain it, is that it feels like you are literally dying inside. That your heart could stop any minute. You're organs would slowly start to fail..and you die. I have yet to actually die when I get that upset, but sometimes I wonder if I have gotten close. It really feels like your body is shutting down. The day I found out and I had my close friends by my side, I remember asking if I could do this. Not necessarily if I could move on one day and be ok...but literally if could live to see tomorrow. Is this making any sense? Just imagine going to sleep those first few nights(and sometimes now) and wondering if you will wake up the next day. Can my body live through something like this? Or will it give up when all I want to do is give up. That's how I felt today. Between sobbing and throwing up..I wondered if I'm dying.

Then I think to myself that my body has made it 4 months. Yes, it's not in the best shape. My back is aways sore. Simple tasks exhaust me. My skin is in the worst shape it has ever been. I can't eat like I use to. I gag when I get upset. No..my body sure isn't in the shape it was before. But it's still trucking along and managed to make it through all the tough stuff.

Hopefully this vacation can give me some sort of recuperation. I sure do need it.

Monday, March 28, 2011

TV

So if any of you are my Facebook friends, you would've heard about my goal to stay away from the internet for a few days while I'm on vacation. Well, I found myself getting on today because of a recent interview I did for Stars and Stripes. It came out amazing, and it was an honor to share my story in such a positive way. The writer really read my blog, and not only took it to heart, but actually heard my words. That's all that I could ask for. It came out great and I am so proud I can reach people in a inspiring way. I'm thankful that the story has lead me to some new folks stopping by to read some of my words. The support I get from this blog is unbelievable. I thank you for all of it. Whether you're a "follower," or someone new just stopping by to lend some support. It is all greatly appreciated. Anyways, I did get on the internet today. haha. I am glad I did too. I also realized that no matter how long I can go without getting on Facebook and my email, I can't keep away from my blog. It's my outlet. I always have thousands of thoughts running through my head, and this is a way to sort it all out.



Oh man..taking a break to say I am listening to the radio and Brad Paisleys song "When I Get Where I'm going" just came on. Music sure has a way of grabbing onto your emotions, huh? What a symbolic song to write to right now....sign from my sweet angel Chad? I think so. :)



When I finally do sit down to write, I could write for hours about everything. I'm trying to keep it to one topic at a time to make it easier on you guys. Are my thoughts always organized? Ha! Hardly, but I try to do my best. One thing that has been on my mind all day is TV. I have found myself avoiding Lifetime these days. Army Wives and Coming Home are the worst commercials I could possible watch right now. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that their are shows out there that can bring more awareness about the military. But right now in my life, it's like a painful reminder for a few short seconds. It has gotten so burned into my brain that I don't even have to see the TV to know those commercials are on. The music is just enough to bring tears to my eyes. I have to admit, yesterday when the new Army Wives was about to come on, I for the first time, considered watching it. Then I thought, why? For what reason would I watch that? "THAT" is my life. I have done all of that and lived it. I didn't act it out like those people did. It wasn't written out in my script. Nothing i read over and memorized. I felt it. Really and truly felt it. My tears were real, not forced. The knock on my door wasn't played out over and over again, just to get the perfect shot or reaction. I was given a real flag that covered a real casket. Why would anyone want to watch that? Humans being what we are, if we are curious and the temptation is there, we will watch it. In my case. I have no need. No possible need or want to relive that through a television. That's my life everyday. Every single freaking day. So for those of you who do watch those shows and cry..I hope for that hour you really see. Really feel. Of course not in the way I do, but get a very small glimpse as to what reality could be. I don't want to make those thoughts take over your life with all the "what ifs." I just want it to make you thankful. Thankful for all we have. These amazing men and women who fight in every aspect, for the rest of us. And thankful for those who never make it home. Those families who don't get surprise homecomings or homecomings at all. Instead they get folded flags and heart wrenching tears. Don't always be sad or sorry for families like mine..be thankful for people like my Chad who was so selfless, he gave away EVERYTHING. Never forget why we have all we have. It couldn't be more true when they say freedom isn't free.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

As I write this post..

I have no direction. No single thought or reason. Lately, I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing to say to the rest of the world. I wonder if this is nearing the end of my blogging. I have all these feelings, yet no one word, or group of words, to explain them. Thoughts that hurt too much to write out into words for you to read. I feel like I am stopped in time, and the world is just spinning around me. Honestly, I want to shut the world out. I want to lock myself in my house and sleep for days. And if I could, I would be doing just that. But I have things that need to be done. Things around the house, a dog to take care of, people to see, responsibilities to take care of. In a way, those things make me feel like I have a purpose. Is that the purpose I want? No. I want to be Chad's wife. I want to prepare for homecoming. Prepare for my next phone call or email. Those are the only things I want to care about, but I can't. So I feel as if I don't care about anything. I hate how selfish that makes me feel. I have all of these people that are routing for me to be strong...days like this, I don't want to be strong. I have nothing positive to say. I see no hope. Is this just a phase? I sure hope so, but can't guarantee that. I want to hide from the rest of the world. Hide from the loss of my husband. Unfortunately I know, that no amount of hiding will make it go away.

It's weird to feel such deep sorrow, and yet feel absolutely nothing at the same time. As I sat in my truck and cried alone tonight, I felt as alone in my heart as I did in that truck by myself. I know that there will be a lot more nights of crying alone, when husbands start coming home and people start going back to their lives. I am not mad that they will move on and go back to living their lives. I'm just mad I am no longer apart of that category. Nothing and no one could change that. That's the hard part, I have hundreds of people supporting and loving me, but it doesn't change the fact that deep down, I am alone. Alone without my husband forever. Detached from the rest of the world..

Friday, March 18, 2011

THANK YOU

A big thank you to ALL of you who have been there. Whether it's writing or commenting positive words, phone calls, hugs, dinners,letting me cry on your shoulder,bringing me back to reality,interviews, lighting candles, posting pictures and slide shows, sending cards,guick texts saying "I love you," and making me laugh. One of the biggest reasons I have decided to keep my blog is because of the amazing outpour of support it has lead me too. None of the negative even matters when I see people taking their time out to inspire me to go another day. No matter how big or small, thank you. Thank you for believing in me. You are all my little angels. There's SO much support that I don't always get the chance to thank everyone back. Just know, if you fall under any of the categories and some I forgot, I am thankful. More than you will ever know. And you guys know I don't say anything unless I believe it with my whole heart. I have met some amazing people on this journey. You have all reminded me that their are genuine people out there. Those are the people worth living for. People who want to see me stride and do well. People who want to follow my journey until I am well again. YOU all give me hope. Your actions do not go unknown. I hope you never forget that.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Letting it go..

Boy did I get a lot of feedback on my previous post. haha. Now for me to go into my real thoughts about it... One thing you can know is that I will NOT stoop down to the same level. I will always stride to be the bigger person. I have no need to say nasty words to you.. if you want to upset, good luck. I am way to confident in the person that I am than to let you make me question any of that.Some of you made it seem like I was really upset while writing my last post. It was a joke! If you knew me, you'd know I'm one of the most sarcastic goofy people you will ever meet. No need to take life so seriously when it's not worth it!!

First of all..I don't feel the need to explain myself in any shape or form. Yea at first it hurts a lot, but only because I am not any of those things. So for people to hear it and assume it's true, hurts a bit. At the end of the day, I know I'm not any of those things. Nor have I done any of the things I have been accused of. It's not necessarily the rumors themselves that upset me. Just the fact that those who have started them and how they have acted about it. In the perfect world, I'd hope someone would hear those, then take the time to ask me about it before assuming. I'm the last person to hide behind any of my actions, so I'd be the first to admit to them. I'm also the type of person, that if I have something to say about someone behind their back I sure as hell have the balls to say it to their face. Anything that comes out of my mouth, I would easily say to them personally. And anything else, I'd keep those thoughts to myself. The fact that I have, several times, tried to get a hold of these people to get answers, they ignore me. One girl has even gone to the point of blocking my number from her phone. She lives right next to me, but wont answer the door. Call me crazy...but that sounds like someone is hiding something. Or just plain feeling guilty inside. I have nothing to hide or prove to anyone. Because first of all, I don't act or dress any different than I would if Chad was here. Anything I have done or said since, I would have no guilt in doing it in front of my husband. This is who I am. Whether Chad is here or not...Katie is Katie. Chad married me for me.

Being the person I am, I try to understand before I judge. I'd hate to make judgements off of something I don't know all the details about. But it has gotten too far. And these people aren't even taking the time to let me give them that chance. I tried and I can sleep peacefully at night knowing I gave all I could. It takes 2 to tango, so I can really only do so much.

Here's a thought...even if I was a terrible nasty person, would you still feel the need to bring me down after my husband died? Really you all still "win" because your husbands are coming home. Is that not enough? Besides, who are you to judge? I know for sure you have NO CLUE what I go through day to day, because frankly, you haven't been around to see any of it. That is where I get confused. Even if I was that person they say I am, don't you think you would've say that a long time ago? You all got along with me just fine when Chad was around. So now my husband dies and you have to watch my life under a microscope?I will probably never understand that train of thought. So after this post, I'm letting it go. I'm not going to try to understand and question it. Their thought process probably will never change. Do I hope they regret it someday, yes. Do I wish terrible karma on them? Not at all. No amount of bad karma could live up to the pain of losing your best friend. Be thankful for that. Cherish it. Don't waste your precious time called LIFE. All of your focus needs to be on your husband. He is still deployed, and I pray to God it doesn't happen to anyone else..but its not over yet. I have learned too quickly how only a few inches can take away everything that means the most to you. I'm not asking you to apologize, or to even be my friend. I don't want that honestly. Just use your time on the phone with your spouse be about YOU, and not about someone else's life you have no idea about. You have everything in your life I want. Your husband. If you want to feel like you have one up on me, think back to that. Think back to how easy your life is. I wish I lived in the same little naive world you all do, if it meant I could have Chad. I would take back everything I learned through all of this, if I could just have him. But I can't, so I'm going to make the best I can out of it. And that takes a bigger person than you will ever be.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Rumor Mill!!

Oh man its a hard life for a widow. Not only did my husband die..but I'm just the talk of the town. Hell, all the guys in Afghanistan are hearing rumors. Let me explain. Most of the wives of guys who worked with Chad are all starting INSANE rumors about me. They have even traveled to Afghanistan.

Be ready to see my very sarcastic side! :) Here are some things you should know about me..that I didn't even know about myself, just to name a few.

Rumor #1:
I go bar hoping every night! Ok so this one is just silly, did people forget Im oly 20 years old? And honestly I'd love to go out and have a drink. I think any widow in my position would. But really? 20 years old, and I go bar hoping every night! Man I must be a busy gal!

Rumor #2:
Im a huge slut! So basically word is I have sex with every man in sight. YIKES! Im pretty sure the ONLY person I would like to have sex with is my husband. Which obviously isn't happening. So guess what? This girl is sexless and proud of it!

Rumor #3:
I spent the life insurance policy to get a boob job! This is almost flattering to me. You are going to call your husband(who is in Afghanistan) and spend your precious time talking about my boobs? First of all, I have lost at least 10lbs since Chad has passed. Its called the widows diet. Works like a charm! And if any one you knew me before, my boobs are tiny compared to what they normally are. I had to go buy all new bras because they have shrank! And to think I started to get self conscious about them.. Besides, if I spent $400,000 on a tit job, people better talk about them!!

Rumor #4
When I went on a trip to North Carolina to see a show, I guess I only went to sleep with the singer. hahahaha Yea ok. I flew all the way to the other side of the country to supposedly get laid by a man I don't even know. Wait, I thought I already slept with every man in sight, so why would I need to go to the other side of the country? Because WORD HAS IT that I sleep with everything that walks.

I must be a very busy girl. And to think I didn't already have enough to keep up with! I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. Im telling you, I need a tv show!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Having a Chad day..


I've been looking at pictures and videos all day. Just really missing him. No other way to say it.
I love you Chad. I gotta be honest..I've been avoiding the stars lately. I know I would just break down. I don't know what the hell I'm doing down here, but I hope I'm making you proud. At the end of every question or thought, I ask if it would make you happy. I know anything that makes me happy makes you happy. :) No one compares to you Chad. No one ever will. You are the bravest man I have ever met. And at the same time, the funniest and most loving. This is the hardest thing I probably will have to go through. Isn't crazy that I have to do this on my own? After 2 years of us getting each other through everything.. It's lonely here babe. Sometimes I wonder if my body can handle this. I wonder if I will wake up in the morning. I just feel so exhausted and empty. This world is so crazy, and I'm almost glad you aren't here having to deal with it. You never have to worry again. But I know exactly what you would say right now... "I will always worry about you babe." haha you would still find it in you to worry about me still huh? I will love you forever my little Chadillac. You're home now...the best kind of home you could be in. My heart. You're still living through me. Everything I do, I do for you. That will always be the same. I love you so much.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Where to start?

Ive been having a hard time coming to my blog and just having one thing to write about. I feel too scatter brained and all over the place lately. My life is so busy and a lot of times overwhelming. Right now I have several different topics I have been meaning to write about, but just haven't yet. With this post I'm just going to see where it takes me...

I recently did another interview on my blog. It went really well and I'm anxious for it to come out because I feel like there will be a lot of questions answered for some of you. One thing that has stuck out to me the most since. Basically, how does it make me feel that my feelings, worries, and dreams, are out for anyone to read. I don't really feel one way about it. One thing I want to stress is that this blog ISN'T my life. I don't write everyday. I leave a lot of things out that I will probably never share with the public. Maybe that's where I wonder why I sometimes gets such harsh judgements on this blog. But I have to remind myself that I have been writing since the beginning of our marriage. I didn't just start the day Chad died. And to you readers out there, you don't see me every second of everyday. Yes, you see some of my weakest moments in writing. But the highs and lows of every minute are very private to me. Believe it or not I don't like people seeing me upset. I don't like crying in front of others. And in this blog, I can bawl my eyes out while writing and you will still never see it. You might feel the pain through my words, but you don't see me break down and lose it. This blog is only a small fraction of my life. And now, this isn't about my life or what I do day to day. It's letting you in just enough to hopefully change your ways of viewing parts of the world. How you see and appreciate our fallen military men and women. And the toll I take on as a wife. You may feel you know every part of me, but you don't. I only let you see a safe amount that I am comfortable with. Some days I let you in more than others. And I almost wish I can some video record a full week with me.. because maybe that will give a better sense of who I am and what I go through. But then again, I can barely handle what I do day to day. I wouldn't want to bring anyone else down with me. I am forever changed. And the conversations I share privately are deeper than any post I could write. Those are the things I wish other could see. The real Katie. The new Katie.

One thing I have learned..that just because my husband died 3 months ago doesn't make it over. There is always something new to add to the plate... things you never even dreamed you would have to deal with. Those are the hands I have been dealt with..I can't do much besides take it on and tell myself that this will make me a stronger better person in the long run. And I'm trying to reteach my brain to always find some positive. That's REALLY hard sometimes. And you maybe not see it right away, but eventually I think it will prove it had a reason. Big or small. Everything happens for a reason.

Me being human, I have fears. Hell a lot of fear. It's like a quote the 2/1 Chaplain sent me in a letter by C.S. Lewis. It couldn't explain my feelings any better.
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times I feel like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard what to take it in. It is so uninteresting."

I think it's important to realize your fears. Instead of being blind to them and letting them run your life. I hope to look back at this list of fears, and know I got through them and conquered them.
1. May. The Battalion gets home, without Chad. Chad's birthday is on the 25th. I can not stress enough how much I am not looking forward to that month.
2. Moving home and packing away Chads things. Everything is how he left it. His toothbrush, clothes, and drawers. Everything is untouched, and I never want that to change. But it has to one day..
3. Losing anything else in my life. I want to badly to grasp onto everything I have, in fear that it will also be taken away.


Now to end this entry with some positive. My blessings.
1. Having Chad period. Even for the short period of time we had together, I still had him and loved him with every part of my being. I am so blessed to have had that kind of love.
2. My freedom.
3. My closest friends and family. If it wasn't for everyone who has stuck this out with me, I'd be nothing.