In the night of death, hope sees a star.

This quote particularly sticks out to me.

The night my sweet husband passed, I stayed the night at a friends house. I go outside and I can't explain what came over me, but I looked up at the sky that was full of bright stars, and I just started talking to Chad. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. Ever since that night I always talk to Chad when I can see the stars. That is the only time. If I can't see the stars that night, I feel as if it isn't the right night to talk.

I've only told one person about this..but once I found this quote today I just had to share. It couldn't have been more perfect. Once again, I truly believe it's another sign. Call me crazy, but I don't care. There's no doubt in my mind that Chad is looking over me, trying to help me find my place in this crazy world.

I miss my husband...

I so badly miss being CHADS wife.

Everything from cooking him dinner, to waiting up all night to get a phone call from Afghanistan. I miss having Chad to share my whole life with. Sharing laughs,tears, and love. Chad was my soul mate. IS my soul mate. If I can't have Chad, I don't want anyone else. I just hate that I now how to live my life without the most important piece. I could write words all day trying to explain how much I loved that man and how bad this hurts...but the gut wrenching feeling in my soul will never amount to any combination of words. I walk around this world feeling as if I don't have a place and as if I don't belong. There's is something different about me. I'm a widow. The things I have to deal with day to day I wouldn't wish onto anyone. I feel empty. A huge hole of emptiness in my heart. Will that ever go away? I don't want it to go away, I just want my husband back. I would literally give anything just to have him back. If only I could talk to him for 10 minutes. I wish I had that so badly.

People say I am strong and inspiring. I don't feel like any of those things. I feel like a body without a soul just walking around this crazy world. I don't feel like Katie. I don't feel like this is MY life. I died inside when Chad died. Now here I am, reborn having to start completely over with nothing but myself. I had my whole life planned out... now I have nothing planned. I don't want to plan anything, because it's plans made without Chad.

I guess I should give myself more credit. But at the same time, they say 3-6 months is the hardest part because for the first 3 months you are still in shock. Maybe I'm not in shock anymore. Maybe it's starting to sink in that I will forever be without my husband. I have never felt so low in my whole life. What could life possibly have to offer me without Chad?

Life is all about inches

This post is to explain the meaning behind the newest tattoo on my arm.(My 2nd tattoo for Chad) I haven't had the chance to tell everyone about the story, but it truly is amazing.

During the memorial service in Afghanistan, one of Chads close friend and squad leader(Chip Tippett) shared this story. Chad is a huge Colts fan and Chip's was the Redskins. Long story short they played eachother and were tied until the Colts intercepted the ball by a few inches and won the game. At work after that, they always went back and forth about the game. Chip had told Chad that they only won by a few inches. Chad looked at him and said, "Sgt. life is all about inches."

That story might not mean much but to those of you who don't know the details about Chads death, it is crazy that he had said this before everything happened. They went out on a foot patrol and for some reason, no one knows why...Chad literally stepped out of line by inches when he stepped on the IED. If it wasn't for him stepping out, he most likely would have been ok.

When I watched the video of the memorial I was in shock. Once again, another sign.

For those of you who also don't know, I have been in NC this weekend to see a show. I got this tattoo at a random tattoo shop we walked past. Come to find out they were filming reality TV show called Military Ink. Basically it will be a show about our military, their tattoos, and the meaning behind them. They found out about my story, filmed, and interviewed me. It makes me so proud to share my story to others in a positive way. I want people to know Chad's name, what he was, and the sacrifice he made. And as long as the right opportunities present themselves, I will do everything I can to honor my husband.

It's as if I was meant to be here this weekend. So many other things that have happened since I have been here that really proved to me I did the right thing by coming. Tomorrow we fly back out to California. I'm ready to be back in my house and to love on my dog. This weekend was another chapter to my life.

Faith

Really and truly a huge chunk of myself has been taken away. Not just my husband but half of my whole being. I'm having a hard time making this is a "Katie" show because I am the least selfish person you'd ever meet. I find comfort in taking care of others and being a shoulder. Now, at the end of the day all I have is myself. Although I have gained an AMAZING supportive group of people, I go to bed at night to myself. Without my husband, and without ever waking up to him. As much as I hate it, I have to learn to focus on me, my feelings, and whats beneficial to me right now. I wish there was a switch I could turn on...but there's reality again. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy. I need to have faith in myself. Have faith in the things I can't see right now. Have faith that one day, sooner or later, I will be better. I will never be the same person again. I will never have my whole heart completely full. But I will get better. I will have a new normal. As much as I hate the sound of that and feel guilty for it, it will happen. I have to have faith that when I get to that place it will be right.

I guess it's just scary to me that I'm only 20. And if chosen, I have a lot of life ahead of me. One day I will be 15 years older and will look back at my "new" life and it will be so crazy that I was married at 18 and widowed at 20. I'm literally starting from scratch again. Its not like Chad and I were married for 20 years and had 3 kids and a life we lived together. We didn't have enough time to start much of anything. I hate that I one have to live my life without him. I will figure out a new "plan." A new goal for myself. I had everything panned out for me. My whole life was figured out. Now I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want to do. Everything in my life confuses me...I second guess every thought I have. I feel as if I have no control over anything. I have to learn to let go and let life take me where it's suppose to. That's scary as hell. Not knowing what tomorrow holds for me. I just have to have faith.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see."

Sharp pain in my chest...

I'm trying so hard to be strong...strong for CHAD mostly and strong for me. It's just so hard sometimes. It's so hard to really and truly explain how I feel. The most important precious thing in my life was swiped out from under me. Out of nowhere...just taken away in the blink of an eye.



With Chad I had no worries. As long as I had him I had everything..whether he was across the world or not. I still had him as my husband. I had phone calls to look forward to. I had homecomings to prepare for. I had stories to share with him. Laughs and love...we shared everything. Chad was the one person/thing that fixed everything. All I needed was to hear his voice and its as if all my worries simply disappeared. Chad disappeared and it's the oddest thing living my life without him. Without his help, comfort, and love. That's all gone now. Gone and it's final... it's not just gone for 7 months. It's gone....forever.



It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. Slowly ripped straight from my chest. I wish it would just get it over with it, so I can be numb. I'd rather feel nothing than what I feel now.