Monday, January 31, 2011

Let me get one thing straight...

This is MY blog. I do with it with what I choose. I starting writing in here about a year ago...and even after the tragic loss of my husband...I was asked many times to keep up with it. I also write to help clear my head. This is working for me and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no handbook. I don't write in here as a "cry out for help." I write because this world is so naive to what else is going on outside of all your little lives. The point of me writing is to almost slap you in the face and make you realize what our military is doing for this country. FOR WHAT MY HUSBAND DID. I write in here to forever keep up the respect my husband deserves. Like I have said so many times before, if you don't agree with or like what I write...get off my page. It makes no difference to me. If you can't come to my page and find one thing in your life to be thankful for before you criticize me, then that's a sad life you have to live.

At the end of the day, I have to look at all of the judging people and remind myself...they aren't the ones who just had their husband die in Afghanistan. It's me and my life. I have to live with this while other can easily run from it. I have to live with my decisions everyday. It just amazes me that after all of this people still have the nerve to say what they have.

So to all of you out there that don't think I'm doing a good enough job. I say suck it! I will not change what I'm doing just to make you happy. I will do what makes KATIE happy. And anyone who has a problem with that..is reading my stuff for the wrong reasons.


A few random things on my mind at the moment...

#1 Some people dont care that my husband died for their freedom. And for the rest of my life (unfortunately) I will have to deal with those people.

#2 Age DOESN'T mean anything. Maturity comes in all shapes,sizes, and ages. And for some...never.

#3 My life will slowly but surely, filter out those who shouldn't be apart of my life. And Im ok with that. I need to just remind myself to look at all of the amazing people I DO have.

#4 I am who I am. Take it or leave it. No point in living a life that really isn't "mine."

#5 I am stronger than I ever thought possible

#6 There ARE people out there that are truly geniune people. I will forever be thankful for people like that in my life.

#7 I have good days and bad days. Whether I like it or not..no matter how much I want to fight it...I will still have bad days. Days that I will wonder how I will get through them.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Random thoughts

Random Thought #1:
Going through a loss like this shows how much your body is affected both physically and emotionally. It absolutely amazes me what stress can do to someone. Usually I am stressed without even knowing...I just work through it and ignore it. But there are times when my body goes out of it way to let me know. I know when I'm not feeling myself when I lose my appetite. When the thought of food disgusts me. I get very quiet.My cheeks get sore from holding back tears. My back and shoulders tense without me even knowing. And honestly sometimes I forget how to breathe...I never even notice that I do this unless I'm around others who have to remind me to take a breath. Although this is an unbearable emotional time...my body is trying to recooperate too. I'm trying to teach myself to stay in tune with that. When I get really anxious/nervous I start to gag. Gross I know....That is something that is totally new to me. I usually don't actually get sick unless I'm crying really hard. So on some of my worst days I have gagging spells. It's the weirdest thing. And I don't remember the last time I didn't wake up without my teeth and jaw hurting from clenching and grinding my teeth at night. My body is definitely taking its toll...

Random Thought #2:
Is this real? I swear sometimes I sit back and just can not believe this is happening. Its like a slap in the face that my life isn't just a movie...this is what I have been handed and I have to deal with it. I'm not living someone else life until he gets home. Chads not coming home. That sounds so final. So painful. I swear I twinge every time those thoughts go through my head. Never in a million years did I EVER think this would be my life. The thought would cross my mind and I could not comprehend how the hell I would get through it. It seemed so impossible, so distant. As if it couldn't happen to me because I just couldn't ever imagine that kind of pain. I use to watch Fallen Marine Memorial videos...why? I'm not quite sure, but I did. I would get so choked up and watched in disbelief. I'd ask Chad why they would call out their name over and over again..He would explain it was their last roll call. That always stuck with me. I knew through all of this, THAT would be one of the hardest things for me. I remember watching Carrie Underwoods music video to "This is Just a Dream" and I would literally get chills. Hell I don't even remember being able to watch that video all of the way through. I heard that song the other day and I cannot explain how crazy it is to have that be my life now. I'm living the life of a war widow.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I promise I'm just like all of you..

HELLO!! I'm still Katie. Yes, not the exact same...but the core of me hasn't changed. I'm still the crazy,goofing,sarcastic girl I have always been. I notice that people act as if I have some crazy disease and if they talk to me, they will get it too. I promise I wont pass whatever it is I have around. haha. I realize this is a weird position for anyone on the outside and that you might not know what to say, so I will tell ya. Talk to me like a regular human being. I'm not a robot. I hate when I am surrounded by people I use to hang out with often..and I am ignored. And I can't begin to tell you the countless amount of people that has magically disappeared. I try not to judge, because I'm not in their position. Its happening to me and it's really easy for everyone else to run from it. I CAN'T run from it. I'd like to..but I'd run myself to death. This is deep down into my soul. It always will be. And I honestly can't promise that I would face it head on if it wasn't happening to me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish it was different. I made a pack with a group of girls that no matter what we would get through this deployment. Yes, NONE of us thought we would be going through this...but when I said that I meant it. Unfortunately things like this happen on deployment...How do you prepare for this? You don't... but when I said NO MATTER WHAT...I meant it with my whole heart.



I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm not looking for people to tell me stuff to try and make me feel better if it doesn't make them comfortable... Just talk to me. Talk to me like you would any other day. If I wanted talk about the situation with you I would. So to the people who are walking on eggshells with me and not quite sure what to say...just talk to me as a friend. Don't feel sorry for me, don't go out of your way to say something to make me feel better if its not how you feel. I totally appreciate it..but I feel like a lot of the time its forced words because you don't know what else to say. Don't feel like you have to be on tip toes with me. I'm a big girl and I will tell you how things make me feel. Just please treat me like I am human...like any other person you would have a conversation with. If I can get anything from this right, it would be to feel like I'm as "normal" as I can be.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Guilt...

I don't like admitting this....but I HATE the fact that I have forgotten what it's like to hear Chad's voice. What it feels like to kiss and touch him. He left for deployment in October....and it's been only 6 weeks since I talked to him, but can 6 weeks really swipe your memory just like that? I feel like a bad wife and the guilt weighs down my heart. I want to remember but I just can't get myself to read his letters just yet. I have a hard time watching videos of him without crying because for a split second I feel like he is right here.

The way I feel inside is the oddest thing...Its like something inside of you trying just get out but no matter how hard to cry,scream, or punch the wall....its stuck. It eats at you everyday. My cheeks hurt from holding back tears. My jaw and teeth hurt from clenching them in my sleep. I would do anything to have my husband back. Literally anything.

Yes I have more good days than bad lately, but the bad ones are still bad and come out of nowhere. I doubt my pain will ever disappear...I hope it will get easier to deal with day by day.

Saying I miss my husband doesn't even begin to explain how I feel.....I just don't know how else to say it.

Take it or leave it

Call me whatever you want. A widow, a Marine wife, a (add mean word here)... I don't care. If anything else, I'm going to speak my mind. Especially when I know it's the truth and I'm the only one that has the guts to say it. I have such a low tolerance for much these days. Maybe that's something I should work on....at the same time I think there's nothing wrong with having a low tolerance for whining. I also want to teach myself how not to get so upset over people that obviously aren't "getting it."

THIS is who I am. I might change tomorrow....hell, I wont be the same person in a year. But this is me and this is now. I'm sarcastic, goofy, big hearted, loving, and sometimes outspoken. I'm not trying to be anyone but myself. Call me crazy...but isn't that what life is all about? I'm not going to just go with the crowd or society. Who gets to decided how I live my life? I'M the one that has to live with myself everyday. Live with MY decisions. If you love me for who I am, at least I know I went into it being honest. What you see is what you get with me. And I can promise you that. The people who care about me the most, will be happy for me. They wont question my choices in life and trust that I am doing the best I know how. They will accept and love me for who I am.

You know what....I pray for the day that ALL OF YOU can live your life this way. Really and truly LIVE your life. Not for me, not for anyone else but YOU.

Follow me on this journey and I will do my damned best to show you how. Take it and act on it. You'll regret it if you don't. NOTHING in life is promised. Not tomorrow, not today, and especially not your loved ones...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Looking back from the beginning...

It's so crazy to me to think of the completely different mind set I am in compared to 5 weeks ago. It's even hard for me to remember 100% what I was feeling and thinking. I was literally a fog. Some of you have picked up on this journey later on in the situation.. and yes I am doing ok now, but where I was at merely 1 month ago is unexplainable.

I didn't sleep, eat, or shower for a week. I didn't care if I wore the same clothes 3 days in a row. I didn't care what I looked like. Hell I didn't even wear make up because I knew I'd cry it off in less that 10 minutes anyways. Food made me sick to my stomach. The thought, taste, and smell of it. I walked around and did what I was told with out questioning. I was literally like a robot. I didn't ever feel cold, even while I was in 20 degree weather back home. I felt nothing but numbness and sorrow. I don't remember hearing or seeing much. I honestly don't remember one thing about the drive back to the hotel in Dover. I couldn't tell you how long I was anywhere. I don't remember any of the dates besides the funeral. When I signed paperwork...it took all that I had to keep my hand steady and remember how to spell my name. I even signed a few things thinking it was October of 09. While I was home, I never left my couch. Whenever I was able to sit down anywhere, I would sleep without even realizing I was tired. I was deeply, mentally, and physically exhausted. I could rarely stand without my knees buckling. I thought my nose and lips would be permanently chapped. My house never stayed cleaned. My clothes where never washed...and you couldn't even walk on the ground of my bedroom floor without tripping over anything and everything. I didn't sleep in my bed for a month. I still have a hard time feeling ok sleeping in there. My bed is my couch now. I couldn't imagine having dry eyes longer than wet ones. It took me 2 weeks to go one day without crying.

It's almost been 6 weeks. Look at the place I am now. I get up, get ready, and leave the house everyday. I eat all of the time. (I think I'm gaining my weight back) A lot has changed in a month. One thing that is different, is that I have the hardest time sleeping. I wish I never needed sleep. I wish I could stay up all night and be ok the next day.

I'm gonna say it and not feel bad...but I am PROUD of myself. I am proud of what I am today. My days aren't are all good, but I have way more good days than bad. Each day I get through, I know I will not have to live this day again. Especially the hard ones. Each day is another one that mends my heart a little more. I grow and become wiser with each and every day. I will never have to relive that first day, week, or month.

I'm going to be ok...and I am so damn proud of that.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Who Am I?

What makes me Katie? Good and bad...who am I?

At a time like this, it's hard to keep track of your soul. Who you are and what makes you happy. Chad made me happy. He was half of my whole being. He will forever be a HUGE part of me, but there was a reason that man loved me more than life itself...

Sometimes it occurs to me that maybe I should give myself more credit, but I also try my hardest to be a humble person. I don't think I am any more special than anyone else in this world. I am human. We all hold the same possibilities. You just have to choose to act on them. One thing I will say, is that I have a totally new outlook on life. I don't feel better than anyone, and I don't feel the need to shove it in anyones faces. I just want to share it. I wish that everyone, one day in their life, can see the world the way I do. You have such peace in your heart. And yet, nothing in life is perfect...I don't believe in perfection. I believe in loving the good and the bad. That or not letting the bad not get to you or take over your life. We have so much mind power it's insane. I wish everyone could have this peace. But if it takes my situation to get there...then I don't wish that upon anyone. Maybe listening to my story will give people somewhat of an idea. Unfortunately, I think that if you don't go through what I have, it would be really hard to get where I am. That is so sad to me. My husband had to die for people to listen to my words. At the same time, I think of all the lives Chad has forever changed. Lives that he saved. Don't forget Chad. Don't forget his sacrifice and the meaning of this if you see it. I don't care if I go through the rest of my life and I am not remembered...just please please remember my husbands name and all he did. Fallen but never forgotten.

I feel like strangers are reading my blog...not knowing one thing about me, other than my situation. I think one VERY important thing to get out of this is to figured out "Katie" again. What makes me tick. and what makes up my soul. Like I said, I don't believe in perfection. I am human, I have bad traits too. I just choose to accept them and myself. Just like Chad did.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Life

This is obviously a terrible situation. And as many times as I have said it....I still would NEVER wish this pain and hurt on anyone. Not even my worse enemy. Although, the last thing you would is expect is me seeing the positive in things, I have found a blessing in this heart wrenching pain.

I see life differently. When I say that, I definitely don't mean it lightly. I have found the true meaning of life. True and honest meaning. I am only 20 years old. Yea yea..."I'm just a baby." But I can promise you that I see and view the world through totally different eyes than some people ever will. Do you realize how small w are in comparison to the rest of this world. I find that most people, without even noticing it, feel like this world revolves around them and their wants and needs. Well guess what? This "world" doesn't give a shit honestly. If it did, my husband wouldn't have been taken away from me so early. If everyone in this world lived to please everyone else...my husband would be coming home to me in a few months. YOU are the one on charge of YOUR life. Life isn't always fair...it actually rarely is. But you have to take that and make the decision whether to sit an sulk in this pain you cant control, or you grab it by the horns, deal with it, and conquer it. I choose to conquer it. That also means that I have to make sure I let myself "feel" whatever it is I need to at the time. Some days I feel like I could take on the world, and of course, others I feel like this world is turning around me while I sit in a fog.

Like I said, I am young. My husband might have passed away, but I plan on having a very full filling life ahead of me. Will I ever be completely content? No of course not. My best friend and soul mate slipped right out of my hands. I can promise you one thing though. I will live my life. Live it to the absolute fullest. I have a lot to offer and I still have a lot of loving to do. A lot of loving my husband deserves. Not only does Chad deserve to be up there looking down on be and smiling because he is proud, but I deserve it too. I want to be proud of me.

I want to see the world. I want to do all of the things I have always wanted to do. My time on this planet will not be wasted. Not one bit. Then once Chad and God have decided I have been full filled in my life, I will be taken off of this planet to spend the rest of eternity with my husband in heaven. Until then, I will make this journey the best I possibly can. Some will hope on for the ride and others will simply pass by. Those who decide to take this journey with me, definitely will not be disappointed.

My life is about ME now. What makes me happy. What makes me grateful for this life I have been given. I hope a lot of you stick around to watch my life unfold, because more than anything, I want to teach others how to live and love.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I love you Chad

I'm not sure why..but my heart is so full of love for Chad today. Of course it always is...but today I still feel the love between us. I just wish I could talk to him.

My sweet man,
I love you! I love you so incredibly much. You know that right? Know that forever you will be MY husband. You are my whole heart and I don't understand why this is happening... I would do ANYTHING just to have you back home safe. I would give up my life if it meant I could spend just one more day with you. No one gets me like you do. I miss that a lot...I miss being goofy with each other, without a care in the world. My body aches for you Chad, really and truly aches all the way from my bones. My chest feels heavy constantly and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to swallow again without feeling like I just swallowed a rock. My head hangs low...and when I smile it's not the same. Not the same smile you gave me. I just want to feel you. Kiss you and hold your hand. Even your retard one. :) The one that is missing a knuckle. You know how much I loved your hands baby. Keep your hands on my heart baby. Hold on to it for as long as I need you to. Hold me in your precious perfect arms. God I miss you so much baby. I want to scream..this isn't fair. Baby please call me. Tell me this is a huge mistake. Tell me they knocked on the wrong door. Please please wake me up from this sick dream. I don't care if you had to spend the next several months in Afghanistan..I just wanted you to come home. Please come home to me...you promised me baby. I'm not mad at you..I just don't understand. Did I make you happy? You know my whole life revolved around making you as happy as you made me. Nothing matters to me now. Nothing...I just want you back. Oh my god....just please come back. My heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest.This isn't fair Chad. I'm so mad you didn't get to live your life...the one you wanted so badly. Back home with a house and kids. Why the hell as that taken away from you? You deserved to live your life more than anyone else in this world. More than me. I can't stop crying and screaming out for you....no one will ever know the pain I feel in my heart. I just want it gone...I just want you to take it's place.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

1 month

Where does time really go? It's as if it has slipped right through my fingers. It has been a month since my sweet perfect husband died in Afghanistan. How the hell did that happen? It has been the craziest month of my entire life. The slowest and yet fastest month ever. Sometimes its feels like one long day, and then other times, it feels like it has been a lifetime. Honestly even after a month, it still doesn't feel real. I don't think it will until the rest of the Battalion gets home from this deployment. Chad had been gone for 6 weeks when it happened. I was already in deployment mode. I wasn't expecting to see him for 7 months anyways. So really and truly, I think this will be one big fog until all of the guys get home...everyone except my husband.

I will tell you one thing...I sure do miss that man. I miss him more than anything. More than anyone could miss another human being. I miss absolutely everything about him. His crooked smile, silly laugh, loving arms, smell, taste, big heart, sense of humor...EVERYTHING. True love has many traits, and one is loving even all of the imperfections that person has. I wouldn't have changed one thing about Chad. Not one. He was a real man. A family man. A loving and giving man. But most of all, the BRAVEST man I have ever met. To this day, I don't ever think I will meet another man as selfless and brave as my own husband. No offense ladies...but my husband is a true hero. And I would scream it to the world if I could. Through all of this, I have never been more proud. My heart swells full of pride when I think of Chad, his duties, and sacrifice. can't imagine going one day the rest of my life and not being proud of him. Chad will forever be a part of my life. A BIG part of my heart. People will come and go, but if you can't respect that my husband will forever be a part of me, then you might as well not even waste your time. I expect the utmost respect for Chad. I know it wont always be that way, but everyone in my life WILL have that respect for him and our relationship.

I don't consider Chad my ex husband. He IS my husband. I don't think people realize how happy and in love we were. How we were made for each other, and there was never a doubt in my mind that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm still going to spend the rest of my life with him, I just have to have him in my heart until I see my sweet angel again. We might have been young, but our relationship and marriage was a mature kind of love I think some people go their entire lives without having. I found my soul mate. We found each other and loved each other with everything we possibly could. We shared pure happiness. I will never let that go or forget the amazing things we shared.

I love you Chad. Know that forever sweet husband. I miss you and I hope I'm doing an ok job. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. But be patient with me baby, I will figure out what it is you want for me. I know you want me to be happy...but I just need to figure out how to get to that place. I miss you more than you will ever know. My body and heart aches for you.. I know you are up there and can do amazing things. Help me make this a little bit easier. I love you Chadillac!! MUAH!