Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Missing you

Whether I am driving, watching tv at the house, or at school I find myself imagining if Chad were just to magically appear. What would he think? Would he love the new "Katie" I have become. As weird as it might sound, in some ways I feel like he'd like the person I am more than who I was when he was here. Going through all I have and learned so many lessons, I feel like we could've been happier than we were. This frustrates me. I wish he was here to share a new life with me. Obviously not saying that ours was bad in any way, I just feel like I have matured in ways. I regret a lot of things I did or said to Chad in the past. I think that's a normal part of grieving. It's also a very confusing part.

There's been many times I wished I could bring him to school and show him off to all of my friends. I wish they could've known him the way I did. I wish they could see his face and hear his voice. I wish he could come eat lunch with me. I wish he could be there when I graduate. I wish he could meet all of the amazing people I now call my friends. I wish he could see how much I've learned and how well I am doing in school.

I just wish so much that if I closed my eyes tight enough, and begged hard enough, that he could just appear. I would smile so big and cry at the same time. I'd want to show him everything. How much I missed him. I'd show him all the things people have done in his honor. Remi could smell him and remember who his daddy is. I'd make him drive me around in the truck. I'd drag him to school for a facial. :) I'd make him dinner again, with a new recipe. I'd take him out for beers. I'd show him my tattoos for him(he loved tattoos). I'd ask him if he heard my prayers or when I talked to the stars. I'd ask him if he really has been my angel this whole time. I'd ask him why? I'd hold him and never want to let go. Most of all I'd tell him how much I love him and tell him to say it to me, over and over again.

I miss him so much. I just wish he could spend just one more day with me. Here and now and I could die happy. We always said we hoped we would die together. If he came back for a visit, I'd tell him to hold my hand, fall asleep with me, and that it was ok to take me with him.

None of this will ever happen. So until it is my time to meet you in the stars, I will see you in my dreams baby. When that day comes, just know I have so much to tell you. So much love to give you. So much untouched time we have to make up for. I love you.


  1. This is very touching. I'm very proud of you for all you have accomplished and I know he is proud of you. I know we never met but we talked a few here and there but I always read what you write. You are a beautiful bright woman and I do hope to meet you some day. I am sure I'm not the only one that think that. Again, I'm proud of your strength, I can't imagine how hard it is to get as far as you have but you have my hand always if you ever need to just talk about anything even if its about how your day is going. You are a great woman. Chad loves you no matter what, he wants what's best, even if u were the same as before when he was here.. and I'm sure he's very proud. Keep your head up, he's with your heart and spirit.

  2. Beautiful words Katie, Chad is a very Lucky man to have been so loved by you.

  3. I feel I check in on your blog almost daily. I have never prayed for someone I dont know as much as you. I know I sound creepy. I guess its the fact that your story has touched my heart so much and for the fact that you lost your partner, your best friend and that same man lost his life for ME! For my freedom. Anyway. Im sorry im rambling. I just wanted to tell you how much you amaze me. I can only imagine how proud Chad is of you. That he can see what a difference you are making on this world. That you are still here. That you are breathing. That you are living. You are sooo incredible.