Friday, August 26, 2011

The biggest piece of me

There's no doubt that when Chad died, a piece of me died too. A piece I clung to everyday. I have gone through phases of insecurity and confusion. I wonder, who am I without Chad?

I've gone this whole time thinking I would fill that hole up with "Katie" things. Things that make me who I am, the woman my husband fell in love with. I don't think I can ever fill that hole. Instead, I have learned to focus on the rest of the pieces I still have. Those are the things that make up Katie. I will forever have a missing piece for my sweet Chad. It will be filled once when I too, die and am reunited with him.

I have realized I have a big heart. Even though the thing I loved the most in this world is no longer here, I have too much love left to go untouched. If anything, I have learned to cherish that love even more. A part of me belonged to Chad. I picture that part with his name written on it. It will always belong to him. I made that promise to him in front of friends and family on September 18th, 2009. And that, is one promise I fully intend on keeping.

I miss him. I miss him so incredibly much. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the way he smiled and laughed. I miss HIS big heart and all of the love he gave to those around him. I miss his humor and bursts of goofiness. I miss the way he took care of me. You all know this, but I miss everything about him.

I also miss my innocence. I noticed a difference in photos taken before all of this. You can see happiness in it's purest form. After all I have been through these past 8 months, I look worn out and tired. There's not that spark in my eyes and no shine in my smile. At least, not like it use to be.

Tonight I'm taken back to all I have been through this year. It's overwhelming. How am I still standing? I know this post compared to last is a lot different. I think our wedding anniversary coming up is haunting me. I take a few steps forward, and few steps back.

6 comments:

  1. I haven't lost a husband, but when my mom died when I was 19, I felt a lot of the same things you describe. Pictures of me before she got cancer are so much different than ones now. It's true that once they passed away, that part of us went with them. I will never have another mom, and I can only hope for you that one day you do find someone that you feel as strongly for, or as close to it as possible, as your husband. You're in my prayers!!

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  2. Katie....you always have to remind yourself that it's not even one year ago. I don't want to be in your shoes bc i know that i am not strong like you. I would not be where you are right now..with your own appartment..a job...and writing this blog.
    You are a super strong woman and if you're doing three steps forward and one step back..who cares??? Don't squeeze yourself too much! You are trying to find your place in the world without Chad and that will take time!
    I wish you all the best and stay strong girl!!! I am really looking up to you!!

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  3. And even the steps back are progress, because you are walking the journey of grief. Every day is knowledge. Sometimes it feels you're on the highway to living through this... and other times it's like you've ditched the car and will never get any further. At least, that is what grief has been for me in the past, with very different situations, though. Godspeed.

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  4. Katie, no matter if it's two steps forward or two steps back, we are all here for you...cheering you on as you figure out how to live the new, unplanned version of your life. It is expected that you will have ups and downs...nobody can fault you for that. Just keep moving forward, even on your roughest days, and remember, we've got your back!

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  5. I watched your wedding montage and my favorite picture is the one of Chad looking at you at the altar. You can just SEE how much he truly loves you and adores you in that picture. He would be proud to see where you are today...still standing and trudging forward.

    I started reading your blog back in December and even though you don't know me, I've kept you in my thoughts and prayers. All my love to you Katie Wade. <3

    PS) We share the same anniversary. I will think of you and Chad every single September 18th from now until forever!

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  6. "I've gone this whole time thinking I would fill that hole up with "Katie" things. Things that make me who I am, the woman my husband fell in love with. I don't think I can ever fill that hole. Instead, I have learned to focus on the rest of the pieces I still have."

    This is profound and an incredible realization. I'm glad to see your update and hope you are doing well!

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