I've gone this whole time thinking I would fill that hole up with "Katie" things. Things that make me who I am, the woman my husband fell in love with. I don't think I can ever fill that hole. Instead, I have learned to focus on the rest of the pieces I still have. Those are the things that make up Katie. I will forever have a missing piece for my sweet Chad. It will be filled once when I too, die and am reunited with him.
I have realized I have a big heart. Even though the thing I loved the most in this world is no longer here, I have too much love left to go untouched. If anything, I have learned to cherish that love even more. A part of me belonged to Chad. I picture that part with his name written on it. It will always belong to him. I made that promise to him in front of friends and family on September 18th, 2009. And that, is one promise I fully intend on keeping.
I miss him. I miss him so incredibly much. I miss the way he loved me. I miss the way he smiled and laughed. I miss HIS big heart and all of the love he gave to those around him. I miss his humor and bursts of goofiness. I miss the way he took care of me. You all know this, but I miss everything about him.
I also miss my innocence. I noticed a difference in photos taken before all of this. You can see happiness in it's purest form. After all I have been through these past 8 months, I look worn out and tired. There's not that spark in my eyes and no shine in my smile. At least, not like it use to be.
Tonight I'm taken back to all I have been through this year. It's overwhelming. How am I still standing? I know this post compared to last is a lot different. I think our wedding anniversary coming up is haunting me. I take a few steps forward, and few steps back.