As Chads wife I find especially hard to find my place in all this grieving. I will always have love for Chad. Realistically, I wont always be in love with him. You can't be in love with someone who isn't here. Not for very long anyways. As much as I want to stay in love with him, and live my life everyday through him...whether I avoid it or not, I can't. That's just the way it is. As much as I hate saying/thinking it...my life will slowly move on from the life I had with Chad. It in some ways, already has. Again, that's just the way it is. That's especially hard for me. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions right now. Before my whole life revolved around everything Chad. Now I find myself wanting so badly to just be apart of a normal life. It's hard to remind myself that that doesn't make me a bad person. I hope this is making some kind of sense..
I wish my whole house was covered in photos of Chad. I wish all my conversations were about Chad. I wish I could still wear my wedding ring without it breaking my heart. I wish he was still my whole life like he was when he was here. Maybe that's me clinging onto the memory of him. This is where I get torn... Because as much as I want to have have a "Chad" filled life, it hurts too much. It's all reminders that Chad is no longer apart of my life and no longer will be. That's when I want to turn and focus on the things I do have to look forward to. In a funny way, I feel like I can't keep loving Chad the way others do. Chad was my entire life. He was reason for waking up every morning. He was the reason I would go to bed. Just to lay next to him even if I wasn't tired. Absolutely everything was for Chad and I's life together. He was my future.
I will never have that "Chad" life again. And it's so hard to build a new one when all I want is my old one. I know there's no rush. I know this will take time. I just, for the first time, have hope for a future. It's scary as hell. It's also like a breath of fresh air. I feel guilty for wanting to go towards that. I'm also terrified to go towards that. Chad was my safe place.
Being his wife meant the world to me. Just being able to say he chose me is an honor. I just wish it didn't put me in such a confusing position. I just wish he was still here. At the end of every thought and question...it would always be so much easier if he was just still here.