Sunday, June 19, 2011

Painfully bittersweet...

As Chads wife I find especially hard to find my place in all this grieving. I will always have love for Chad. Realistically, I wont always be in love with him. You can't be in love with someone who isn't here. Not for very long anyways. As much as I want to stay in love with him, and live my life everyday through him...whether I avoid it or not, I can't. That's just the way it is. As much as I hate saying/thinking life will slowly move on from the life I had with Chad. It in some ways, already has. Again, that's just the way it is. That's especially hard for me. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions right now. Before my whole life revolved around everything Chad. Now I find myself wanting so badly to just be apart of a normal life. It's hard to remind myself that that doesn't make me a bad person. I hope this is making some kind of sense..

I wish my whole house was covered in photos of Chad. I wish all my conversations were about Chad. I wish I could still wear my wedding ring without it breaking my heart. I wish he was still my whole life like he was when he was here. Maybe that's me clinging onto the memory of him. This is where I get torn... Because as much as I want to have have a "Chad" filled life, it hurts too much. It's all reminders that Chad is no longer apart of my life and no longer will be. That's when I want to turn and focus on the things I do have to look forward to. In a funny way, I feel like I can't keep loving Chad the way others do. Chad was my entire life. He was reason for waking up every morning. He was the reason I would go to bed. Just to lay next to him even if I wasn't tired. Absolutely everything was for Chad and I's life together. He was my future.

I will never have that "Chad" life again. And it's so hard to build a new one when all I want is my old one. I know there's no rush. I know this will take time. I just, for the first time, have hope for a future. It's scary as hell. It's also like a breath of fresh air. I feel guilty for wanting to go towards that. I'm also terrified to go towards that. Chad was my safe place.

Being his wife meant the world to me. Just being able to say he chose me is an honor. I just wish it didn't put me in such a confusing position. I just wish he was still here. At the end of every thought and would always be so much easier if he was just still here.


  1. Get up, showered and dressed...and get out!!!! Go volunteer, go to school, go for a walk, but GET OUT!!!! The answers you're looking for won't be found on your couch, hun!

    Carry the the next leg of your journey...

  2. It's a crazy, confusing, and annoying life that we are left to live. In one moment our entire lives are flipped upside down, and we have to learn how to move forward in a life that has gone so off course. But, our boys loved us, and only wanted the best for us. So, as hard as it is to move forward, we have to do it for them, and most importantly, for US. Moving forward, making a new life for ourselves, doesn't mean we have to let go of our past. Our past, and these wonderful men, are what have made us the amazing women we are today. This road is a tough one, but we can survive it. It takes a shit ton of time, tears, hugs, screams, and falling down. But, we can do it, even if sometimes we need a little help.

    Hugs and love from a fellow widster!

  3. I am pretty sure Mandy said it all!
    I am sure you are over hearing take it a day at a time. Plus I am sure you already know that!
    I think you are doing well. I also think Chad is looking down on you saying she is still one of the greatest people he has ever known. I think he is proud of you for how you are doing. He would want you to be happy, as you already know. Just keep pushing through and remember everything Mandy ^ said!
    Always thinking of you!

  4. I hope that you will soon find as much peace as possible (if there is such a thing) with living a life that would make Chad proud, a life for you though. You know better than anyone what that means.
    Grief is a complicated, lifelong journey. Grief, at some point, becomes something not so sad but feels more like a silent old friend who lives 20 miles away. It has many stages and phases, and there is no right or wrong way to go through life with grief always by your side. Bless you, Katie. We're thinking of you.

  5. I don't think you're wrong or wanting or needing to move have to do that. It's the when part that is up to the individual...if it feels right for you then it's probably Chad leading you. You may feel like it for a week and then have a really bad day but that's okay...that's expected. I just hope you're having more good days than bad ones now :-)