Saturday, April 2, 2011
my heart breaks..
Right now I should be writing about my wonderful trip to Palm Springs. Im sure I will within the next few days, and I will even share some photos. But being back in my apartment and back to the life I have to live right now, it's hard for me to focus on the great 4 days I just had. I feel guilty. Guilty for having a geniune good time for the first time in months. While the rest of the Batallion hasn't gotten a break. I feel quilty that I can go out and forget about everything for a little bit. I feel guilty for smiling and laughing when Chad can't... I just read an article written in the Wall Street Journal about Chads best friend Seth. An article that tells Seth's story and how he coped. I have known about this article for the past month or so. I have spent a lot of heartache over it. Mostly me being selfish that the details of my husbands death is now, for everyone to see. Details I never would share in my blog, or even, to anyone other than those closest to me. It's not fair that those personal details are for any curious person to read. But I can't do anything about it. It is out there now. I was hoping that it wasn't going t be published..but it is. Black and white. Painful words shared with everyone. As I read the article, surprisingly the words that hurt the most to me...were the ones explaining how Seth has dealt with watching his best friend die in combat. All of Chad's closest friends have been amazing to me ever since everything has happened. They have always been good men. They were close friends of Chads...so I didn't expect anything less. I have grown to love these men and see them as apart of my family. That is why it is so hard for me to actually hear what really happened after. I know that when they called, they toughed it out for me. Tried not to shed any tears or let me hear the fear in their voices. I knew this...but I let it be. I didn't want to bring up anything they weren't comfortable coming to me about. I don't ever want to lose touch with them, so I did the same to keep positive thoughts going when I talked to them. I didn't want them to dread their phone calls to me. I didn't want to be another burden on their plate, especially while they still had the rest of the deployment left. Today my feelings are being put aside. I want so badly to take away the pain these men are going through. Because I know some way some how, I could deal with it for them. They have visions burned into their brain I will never see. I had a dream once I saw everything happen. I woke up sweating, crying, and could barely catch my breath. That though, was made up thoughts that is only a dream. I do picture things in a more detailed way than I did before. Unfortunately. But at the end of the day, they were there. There to see everything. I want to take those haunting thoughts away from them. I know it meant the world to Chad to have had them there during his last few breaths of life. But the pain they go through is almost not worth it. Chad was taken away from any form of pain. Seth will feel it everyday for a long time. In a totally different and raw way than I do. I want so bad to take that away from him. I want so bad to hug him. It will be nice to see a familiar face. A face that meant so much to Chad. I am scared at the same time. Scared that I might break down completely when I hug them for the first time. The closeness I will feel to them is unexplainable. I am scared and worried. I can get over that as long as they all make it home safe. It's getting closer to the end and I wont be able to run from it any longer. If you guys are reading this.. know that love you. I love you no only because Chad loved you. But because of the brave men you are. I cannot thank you enough. Those first few phones calls after Chad died, will forever mean the world to me. I hope you all let me be there for you. I hope I get to see you when you get home. No pressure to feel any certain way. Just hang out with me and I think we will feel Chad right there with us. Chad could not be more proud of all of you and how you have been there for me. This is how he wouldve wanted it. I cannot tell you how many times he flat out told me, he would give his life for you guys before anything. Even me. I hope you can stop questioning it one day and be at peace that this is exactly how Chad would've wanted it. I love you guys with all of my heart. I am so proud of you. Know that forever.