Right now I should be doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. Mandy and I are taking a few days of vacation to a resort in Palm springs. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Mandy that I would love to get away, go somewhere warm, and just be able to relax. 4 months later, I'm finally getting to do that. Problem is..I have a hard time knowing how to relax. haha. Just the person I am. Heck, I can barely shut off my thoughts long enough to get a massage. So I'm really hoping warm, sunny, 90 degree weather, is just what I need. I'm breaking out all the shorts,wedges, and floppy hats I've got!! Maybe I will post some pics here when we get back. I think I need to start sharing more pictures and stories of my everyday life. Maybe that will help me and you all see me as a regular person, rather than the labeled widow I am. There's a goofy, sarcastic, fun loving person behind these sad words, I promise.
Today though, was a rough day. One of the rougher days I have had in a while. I watched something I wish I wouldn't have watched. (and no it wasn't the Army wives episode) Anyways, while I watched this video and heard the music..I felt like I had gone back in time. Back to December when everything was still so fresh and a huge shock. Obviously I am still in a fog somewhat, because as I watched it I could not believe I had to go through that. And unfortunately for me, it felt like I was there in that same exact spot living it again. Not a good feeling to go back to, when at the time, I could barely stand on my own 2 feet. I cried just as hard as I did the day I was notified. The day I watched the video of the memorial they had in Afghanistan. Sobbing so hard you can't breath..and the worst...crying until you are literally sick to your stomach. I think of all the times I have cried in my life. And not one time can even remotely compare to the tears I have shed since December. The only way I can try to explain it, is that it feels like you are literally dying inside. That your heart could stop any minute. You're organs would slowly start to fail..and you die. I have yet to actually die when I get that upset, but sometimes I wonder if I have gotten close. It really feels like your body is shutting down. The day I found out and I had my close friends by my side, I remember asking if I could do this. Not necessarily if I could move on one day and be ok...but literally if could live to see tomorrow. Is this making any sense? Just imagine going to sleep those first few nights(and sometimes now) and wondering if you will wake up the next day. Can my body live through something like this? Or will it give up when all I want to do is give up. That's how I felt today. Between sobbing and throwing up..I wondered if I'm dying.
Then I think to myself that my body has made it 4 months. Yes, it's not in the best shape. My back is aways sore. Simple tasks exhaust me. My skin is in the worst shape it has ever been. I can't eat like I use to. I gag when I get upset. No..my body sure isn't in the shape it was before. But it's still trucking along and managed to make it through all the tough stuff.
Hopefully this vacation can give me some sort of recuperation. I sure do need it.