Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What a day..

Right now I should be doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. Mandy and I are taking a few days of vacation to a resort in Palm springs. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Mandy that I would love to get away, go somewhere warm, and just be able to relax. 4 months later, I'm finally getting to do that. Problem is..I have a hard time knowing how to relax. haha. Just the person I am. Heck, I can barely shut off my thoughts long enough to get a massage. So I'm really hoping warm, sunny, 90 degree weather, is just what I need. I'm breaking out all the shorts,wedges, and floppy hats I've got!! Maybe I will post some pics here when we get back. I think I need to start sharing more pictures and stories of my everyday life. Maybe that will help me and you all see me as a regular person, rather than the labeled widow I am. There's a goofy, sarcastic, fun loving person behind these sad words, I promise.

Today though, was a rough day. One of the rougher days I have had in a while. I watched something I wish I wouldn't have watched. (and no it wasn't the Army wives episode) Anyways, while I watched this video and heard the music..I felt like I had gone back in time. Back to December when everything was still so fresh and a huge shock. Obviously I am still in a fog somewhat, because as I watched it I could not believe I had to go through that. And unfortunately for me, it felt like I was there in that same exact spot living it again. Not a good feeling to go back to, when at the time, I could barely stand on my own 2 feet. I cried just as hard as I did the day I was notified. The day I watched the video of the memorial they had in Afghanistan. Sobbing so hard you can't breath..and the worst...crying until you are literally sick to your stomach. I think of all the times I have cried in my life. And not one time can even remotely compare to the tears I have shed since December. The only way I can try to explain it, is that it feels like you are literally dying inside. That your heart could stop any minute. You're organs would slowly start to fail..and you die. I have yet to actually die when I get that upset, but sometimes I wonder if I have gotten close. It really feels like your body is shutting down. The day I found out and I had my close friends by my side, I remember asking if I could do this. Not necessarily if I could move on one day and be ok...but literally if could live to see tomorrow. Is this making any sense? Just imagine going to sleep those first few nights(and sometimes now) and wondering if you will wake up the next day. Can my body live through something like this? Or will it give up when all I want to do is give up. That's how I felt today. Between sobbing and throwing up..I wondered if I'm dying.

Then I think to myself that my body has made it 4 months. Yes, it's not in the best shape. My back is aways sore. Simple tasks exhaust me. My skin is in the worst shape it has ever been. I can't eat like I use to. I gag when I get upset. No..my body sure isn't in the shape it was before. But it's still trucking along and managed to make it through all the tough stuff.

Hopefully this vacation can give me some sort of recuperation. I sure do need it.

19 comments:

  1. I hope you have fun in the sun!!! Just relax and put everything on *pause* for a few days. Otherwise you are going to make yourself sick!!! You are allowed to be happy and shouldn't feel guilty about finding pleasure in this life. OK?

    Drive safely!!

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  2. I'm with Queenie on this one...take a few days away to be the woman you are deep down inside...beneath the pain and the anger and the relentless loss. Go to Palm Springs and be yourself...where no one will judge you for having fun and remembering how to laugh. You can't be all sad all the time. Your body cannot take it. And I don't think Chad would WANT you to be sad all of the time. I know Neal thinks the sexiest thing about me is my laugh, my smile. Wouldn't Chad say the same about you? I think you should show it to him again. I hope you and Mandy have an amazing time. And I will be the first to beg for pictures! I've never been to Palm Springs and I need a little beach porn! ;-D Have fun...it's completely OK. xoxo

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  3. Sending you a GREAT BIG (virtual) HUG! I've had my share of days like this - where you literally have to remind yourself to draw the next breath. I promise they do get fewer and farther apart, and the days where your whole world spins won't entirely consume you anymore. There will always be those things that trigger that familiar stabbing pain in your chest, and the silent tears to roll down your face, but it does get more bearable as time passes. A change in scenery will be good for you - enjoy this break with your friend, and get some well deserved rest. <3

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you have a nice vacation to just relax and recoup. My heart breaks for you.

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  5. I saw your story in Stars and Stripes and thought I would stop by to read a little of your blog. I hope you have a wonderful time in Palm Springs, I went out there a couple of times while we were stationed in CA. I had a blast everytime. I pray that one day you will get to see Chad again, may God Bless You.

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  6. I also saw the story in Stars and Stripes. Good story. I'm sure you are and will continue to help others dealing with the same thing; struggling to figure out how exactly to carry on like normal when everything is so different -- you don't look at the world the same, and the world doesn't look at you the same. i hope you can relax and enjoy yourself on vacation. i'm sure you need it. -tim

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  7. Hi Katie,
    I'm visiting from Jeannie's blog. I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the sacrifices your husband made for our country and for my freedom. Words can't adequately express the gratitude I feel and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'll say a prayer for you that you will find peace and comfort in the coming days...GOD BLESS. I am now a follower.

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  8. Hello there! I came over here from Queenie Jeannie's blog! First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Please accept my sincere sympathy. Second of all, I want to say that I admire you for your bravery...I know, that sounds trite, but honestly, I do admire you. You are only 20 years old, but you have the strength and maturity of someone much older than yourself.

    I read thru some of your older posts and don't let anyone get you down. I'm sorry that those military wives don't support you. They should...it is their duty. My twin sister was an Air Force Wife for 20+ years and I know, from her, that the actions of those women are not what true military wives do. They should be supporting you, not smacking you down!

    You go on your vacation with your head held high. I didn't know your husband personally, but I know that he would be proud of you and how you are honoring his memory!

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  9. Katie I don't know you but I've read your blog for a good 6 months or so now. I am more than sorry for your loss and it breaks my heart to know someone has to go through what you do. I hope you have an amazing vacation (try to at least) and get lots of rest! You deserve it :) Post some pictures, too when you get back - I'm totally jealous... I'm on the East Coast and we're supposed to be getting SNOW today! What in the world happened to SPRING?!

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  10. Hunny, have a fabulous time in Palm Springs with your friend. You are the strongest person I have ever known and you deserve a vacation! I would love to see some pictures when you get back of the beautiful beach. It's cold and rainy in DC today. I am so ready for the summer! Have fun hun!

    xoxo
    http://www.cautionblondeblogging.blogspot.com/

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  11. I am so gald you are taking sometime to be able to go relax and enjoy yourself! I hope you have a blast in the sun!

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  12. You sweet, precious girl. I pray that you get the rest that you need while you're away...it is MUCH deserved. Praying for safe travels and just what I wished for you. Love in Christ. :)

    Jennifer

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  13. I've been following along, found you via Allyson at 400 Wake-Ups.
    I sincerely hope these few days can provide you some rejuvenation. You're an AMAZING woman and I'm so glad you're sharing your story. Because, really, it's a story that belongs to all of us.
    Much love and strength to you in this healing journey.

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  14. Hi! I saw your story on Stars and Stripes as well. May God bless you and see you through this tragedy. I am a military widow also, my husband was killed in 2007 when a building he was clearing exploded. We had a 3-year-old and a baby at the time and I didn't know how the heck I would make it, but somehow I did. Four years later it still hurts but not nearly as bad as it did the first few months.

    I have a craft blog and last year for the anniversary of his death I decided to start The Write It Out Project. You can read about it HERE:

    http://imakestuff4fun.blogspot.com/2011/03/its-been-4-years.html

    Crafters from all over the world have made and sent me handmade journals which I have in turn sent to over 250 widows. Journaling helped me so much, as I'm sure blogging is helping you. I would love to send you a journal. If you ever need an ear or advice from someone who's been there please don't hesitate to email me at alidanicolelee (at) gmail (dot) com.

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  15. Hi Katie, I have been following for about 9 months now. I know its totally cliche but I admire you and your words! Thanks for letting them be heard! I know we don't know each other and may never meet but I would love to extend an open heart and friendship! Hope you have fun in Palm Springs, its one of my fav vaca spots :)

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  16. Hi Katie :-) I was sent here by Allyson at 400 Wake-Ups. I know when she recommends something to read it's worth my time. I have read your blog...from the beginning, over the past two days. I couldn't stop reading...I was even sneaking to do it on my iPhone while at work!

    Katie, I am beyond heartbroken for you but I am forever grateful to both you and Chad for the sacrifices you have made (& you continue to make) so that we (I) can enjoy our American freedoms.

    You seem so genuine...so sweet, so honest about your feelings (god & bad)...after reading it all, I feel like I know you...like Allyson said, I just want to pop in the car, drive to you, give you a hug, and then go get pedis or something.

    Please don't think that everyone is as hateful and bitter as some of the people you've run across. There are still American's who admire, appreciate, and respect our American service men/women and their families.

    Keep your chin up, keep talking to the stars, keep looking for Chad's signs in your day to day activities. Keep living your life to make yourself happy and Chad proud of you...and please, keep blogging!

    Love, prayer, hugs, & gratitude from Lexington, KY...

    PS - Have fun in Palm Springs!

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  17. Hi there I am visiting from Jeannies blog and I thought I was gonna be ok but as I read my heart just aches Im so sorry for you loss and it just does not seem right to say something like thank you for your husband fighting for me I loved seeing the pictures of you two and how much happiness is there, I hope you get some rest and peace of mind on your vacation and I hope as each day passes life gets a little better for you and your body will heal also.

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  18. Stopping by today because you were mentioned by Allyson of 400 Wakeups.

    Your story really touched me. I know there aren't any words that can ease that amount of pain (though I truly wish there were), but I want you to know you have another soul thinking about you and wishing you all the best when the pain grabs hold of you. What a beautiful, strong, remarkable woman you are.

    I hope this vacation is a bit of a break from life for you. And that maybe you can enjoy yourself, too. I'm sure Chad would want that for you.

    Sending great big *HUGS* your way.

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  19. Hi Katie,

    I also just read your story in the Stars & Stripes newspaper. I get the paper delivered daily but I usually don't read it every day so the papers start piling up. I was going through them tonight and tossing out the older ones but I was checking the front page headlines to see if there was anything I wanted to read, and of course saw a picture of you and your husband on Tuesday's paper and decided to read the story.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your story in there and a couple of your posts on here, my eyes well up with tears and my heart breaks for you. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My husband is deployed right now (also a Marine) and different times I've thought to myself, "It's possible he might not come back home," but then I think, "But I'm sure that won't happen." Maybe you thought the same thing.

    I wanted to write to you to let you know that I'll be praying for you. And I also wanted to tell you that while I was reading your story in the paper, a song started playing in my head and it kept on going through my head as I put the paper away and started getting ready for bed. I didn't know who sang it or what the name of the song was or even any of the lyrics except for "me and Cinderella" and a few other random words, so I looked it up and it's called "Cinderella" by the Wallflowers. I don't know if that song has any special meaning to you or not, but I thought I'd let you know it kept playing in my head after I read your story just in case it does mean something to you.

    Sending you love & prayers...

    God bless,
    Tami

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