Sunday, January 2, 2011

1 month

Where does time really go? It's as if it has slipped right through my fingers. It has been a month since my sweet perfect husband died in Afghanistan. How the hell did that happen? It has been the craziest month of my entire life. The slowest and yet fastest month ever. Sometimes its feels like one long day, and then other times, it feels like it has been a lifetime. Honestly even after a month, it still doesn't feel real. I don't think it will until the rest of the Battalion gets home from this deployment. Chad had been gone for 6 weeks when it happened. I was already in deployment mode. I wasn't expecting to see him for 7 months anyways. So really and truly, I think this will be one big fog until all of the guys get home...everyone except my husband.

I will tell you one thing...I sure do miss that man. I miss him more than anything. More than anyone could miss another human being. I miss absolutely everything about him. His crooked smile, silly laugh, loving arms, smell, taste, big heart, sense of humor...EVERYTHING. True love has many traits, and one is loving even all of the imperfections that person has. I wouldn't have changed one thing about Chad. Not one. He was a real man. A family man. A loving and giving man. But most of all, the BRAVEST man I have ever met. To this day, I don't ever think I will meet another man as selfless and brave as my own husband. No offense ladies...but my husband is a true hero. And I would scream it to the world if I could. Through all of this, I have never been more proud. My heart swells full of pride when I think of Chad, his duties, and sacrifice. can't imagine going one day the rest of my life and not being proud of him. Chad will forever be a part of my life. A BIG part of my heart. People will come and go, but if you can't respect that my husband will forever be a part of me, then you might as well not even waste your time. I expect the utmost respect for Chad. I know it wont always be that way, but everyone in my life WILL have that respect for him and our relationship.

I don't consider Chad my ex husband. He IS my husband. I don't think people realize how happy and in love we were. How we were made for each other, and there was never a doubt in my mind that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm still going to spend the rest of my life with him, I just have to have him in my heart until I see my sweet angel again. We might have been young, but our relationship and marriage was a mature kind of love I think some people go their entire lives without having. I found my soul mate. We found each other and loved each other with everything we possibly could. We shared pure happiness. I will never let that go or forget the amazing things we shared.

I love you Chad. Know that forever sweet husband. I miss you and I hope I'm doing an ok job. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. But be patient with me baby, I will figure out what it is you want for me. I know you want me to be happy...but I just need to figure out how to get to that place. I miss you more than you will ever know. My body and heart aches for you.. I know you are up there and can do amazing things. Help me make this a little bit easier. I love you Chadillac!! MUAH!

3 comments:

  1. You are doing a GREAT job, Katie. Whenever you begin to second guess yourself, try and see yourself through Chad's eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't even imagine what you are going through but boy are you one strong women! This post was so beautiful. You're right when you say he will ALWAYS be your husband and if anyone tries to take that away from you than they aren't worth your time. Although, I don't know you in real life you truly are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're right... Chad will never be your ex-husband. An ex chooses to leave, and neither of you chose to leave. He'll always be your husband, two years or fifty-two years... your love is just as special.

    ReplyDelete