Friday, December 31, 2010

2010

Wow.
This year is over. The absolute best year of my life is coming to an end.And definitely not the ending I expected. It was suppose to be an exciting time. Suppose to mean we were getting closer to the end of this deployment... But I guess there was a different plan for us. Honestly, I wanna tell that plan to F off.

2010 was our first year as a married couple. We lived in California. Moved into a new apartment. Raised our little Remi. Had our 1 year anniversary. We got to be with each other for his 22nd birthday, Valentines, and Easter. We made friends that stuck around...and others that shifted out of our lives. Lots of dates nights every Thursday. Trips to the beach to watch the sunset. Got rid of my car. And my favorite.....goofy nights full of laughs. That I miss the most..just playing with my husband.

Out of 2010..we only spent 8 months together total. The other 4 months he was training or deployed. But even while Chad was gone...I have never been so happy in all of my life. Those times away from each other, just made our time together that much more special. Some of my greatest memories are when he would get back from a 6 week long training period. It felt like a first date all over again. Do you know what it feels like to fall in love over and over again? Each time you fall even more head over heals for this person. To this day, I'm still very blessed to be able to say that.

I'm not sure where 2011 will take me. I don't think I want to know. I'm just genuinely heartbroken that it's my first year that wont be shared with my husband. Just like 2010 was our year of firsts, 2011 will be MY year of firsts...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My World

Isn't it funny when you feel like your whole world just ended....everyone's keeps going.

People still smile and laugh. The sun still shines. Flowers still bloom. Rain still falls. Death doesn't stop anything but my heart. While it feels like my "world" just took a huge slap to the face...and I'm just standing here in shock with a stinging in my cheek....the rest of this crazy world just keeps on going. I feel like I'm stuck in time just watching everything happen around me. I feel stuck in the day I had that dreadful knock on my door. I had just talked to my husband 24 hours before that. I open my door without even looking to see who it was. If I would have, I probably wouldn't have been able to open that door. But I did. And my life has forever changed. The very first thing I asked when I saw them in uniforms at my door was, "Is this a sick joke?" No lie, that as the first thing out of my mouth. And one of the first things in my mind was it was like that movie I had watched months before. Taking Chance. I don't even remember what they had told me when I opened the door..all I heard was Cpl Chad S. Wade over and over again. It's a shame that's how I had to hear my husbands new rank for the first time. That day is still a fog to me...and I don't like letting my mind go back to that day.

In a weird way my world has felt like it has collapsed right under my feet...but here I am. Sometimes smiling and laughing. Not locking myself in the house. Running errands and doing paperwork. So I guess my "world" is still turning, but the person who made up my entire world is gone. And I'm still not sure if it has truly hit me yet....give me strength the day when this all becomes real to me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Finding my "normal"

What's someones normal after a situation like this? I'm not really even sure if there is such a thing.

My normal is now completely opposite of what I am use to. My normal is crying at the drop of a hat. My normal is losing sleep and losing weight. My normal is wondering, how the hell am I going to make it through this day? My normal is a messy house that never seems to stay clean and put together. Laundry that never gets done. Normal is screaming at the top of my lungs at stupid drivers. My normal is laughing at people who amaze me...because I am in so much shock. My normal is never wanting to go to sleep...but once I do..I never want to get up. My normal is not being able to bring myself to sleeping in our bed. My new bed is my couch. My normal is constant headaches and fatigue. My normal is getting so annoyed with things I never even noticed before. My normal is clenching my fists and jaw when really and truly its taking everything I have not to punch someone or something. My normal is accidentally running to my ringing phone, because for a split second, I think it might be Chad calling from Afghanistan. My normal is having dreams that my husband comes home to tell me it's all a mistake. I never want to wake up from those dreams. My normal is being terrified of being alone. My normal is so confused as to what I am suppose to do now. My normal is not knowing what the hell I will be doing in a year from now. My normal is doing the best I can to remember what it is like to have my husband around...what it's like to hear his voice.

What is normal? How do you get back to normal after this? I don't think you do. I think everything becomes a new way to deal with this life that has been handed to me. Normal is being a human being and feeling all of the shitty stuff you have to feel to make it through.. Isn't that crazy? That you HAVE to feel the hurt to ever feel better again.

Really?

What really goes through peoples minds when they say some of the things they do. Yes I haven't written much since this whole situation..and I also really didn't want to bring everyone into all of the unbelievable things that have happened. But it's gotten to the point where all I can say is really??

While I was on a plane coming home from Dover(where my husband got back to US soil)a lady really was furious with me that my knees where pushing too hard into her seat, while I was sleeping mind you. She was literally throwing her entire body against her seat to hit me. She turned to me, and very rudely told me to get my knees off of her seat. I stared in disbelief..thinking, my husband just died in Afghanistan and you're worried about my knees??? I ignored her and didn't say one word because I was so in shock and already emotionally drained. She then decided to get a flight attendant involved. I interrupted her and explained what had happened and that honestly I didn't give a rats ass about my knees in her seat. She looked at me and quickly said, "That has nothing to do with me." And that she had paid for her seat so she should be able to fly comfortably. REALLY LADY??? Our military men and women are overseas so YOU can take your suburban family on an airplane to where ever the hell it is you want to go. I couldn't help but to burst into tears. She never turned around to apologize and went out of her way not to make eye contact with me. So she was uncomfortable for a few minutes. My heart and soul will NEVER stop hurting. Do you know how bad I would do anything to trade some stupid knee in my seat over this unbearable pain I feel? That's fine...she is the one that as to live with that for the rest of her life. I hope she loses sleep over what she had said to me. If she isn't thankful for my husband sacrifice...then she should've been the one standing in front of him. That might sound harsh...but as of now, I don't care.

Do you know how many times I have had someone tell me that my husband dying in Afghanistan has nothing to do with them... I'll tell you how many. Wayyyy too many. Unbelievable amounts of people. It's not like he died in a car accident...he died fighting for this country and for OUR freedom. I pitty those who can't find it in their hearts to be forever thankful to my husband.

People say things to comfort me...when really I'd rather them have just kept there mouth shut. If you didn't know, Chad had volunteered to be his companies Radio Operator. He wasn't forced into that position...he volunteered. Being the RO is one of the most dangerous jobs you could do. Not to mention he was already Infantry. Chad would always be front of the line. The first to get shot at. But Chad had told me many times why he decided to do it. Because HE knew that if anything were to happen...HE could take care of the situation and get everyone home safely. He said that if anything were to happen to one of his buddies that he couldn't control...he wouldn't be able to live with himself. THAT right there...takes a REAL man. A REAL Marine. Then some girl has the nerve to write me a message saying that she has aways been told.." If you don' want to die, don't volunteer to handle the Radios." REALLY???? Thanks for the reminder. But also...thank you for reminding me how much of a MAN my husband was. How brave and selfless he was.

People have said the craziest things. Yes, I know that its most likely because they don't know what else to say. But next time you write me...and you wonder if they are the right words or not. I suggest not saying anything at all.

People try to understand my pain and hurt. Like telling me..."this might not hurt right now because you're in shock. But when it sinks in it's going to really suck. " No shit! I just lost my husband. My whole heart. My best friend. My SOULMATE. And you don't think I hurt?!?! I hurt a LOT. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. Hurt doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. There is no word that explains the excruciating pain I feel deep into my soul. And you will never know unless you are in my shoes. And you know what? I hope you don't have to. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I didn't even know this kind "hurt" existed.

I get mad a lot. So mad that I feel the anger radiate from my bones. I'm not perfect. And I'd hope no one would expect me too in this kind of situation. But Im doing my damn best. The last thing on my mind is making everyone else happy and catering to their needs. YOU have everything in your life. You have someone to come to. While you are making your homecoming posters...I carry around my husbands death certificate. While you complain about not hearing from your spouse for 1 day....I have to wait a lifetime. You complain about being stressed and not sleeping. I carry the stress on my heart that my husband didn't get to finish his life that he deserved. You complain about your kids...I will never have my husbands children like we had tried and planned. You get to watch your husband walk off of that bus safely after a deployment. The last time I saw my husband was when I watched him walk onto that bus.

In no way am I making this all about me me me. But I'm so tired of people taking what they have for granted. Especially people who are so close to this situation. I have never felt so lonely and disappointed in people in my whole life. It's a real shame my husband had to die to prove to me who truly love and care for me. And for those of you who have stuck around for all of this...I love you with all of my heart. Now more than ever, I have learned to love with everything I have. I am very particular about who it is....but I can promise you. Once you are "in," you will forever me in my heart. I have had complete strangers be more compassionate to me than some of my "family" and "friends."

Black and white. Most of you have not been through or ever will go through what I am dealing with right now. I am 20 years old...and I have had more hurt in my heart than some of you might ever have in your enitre lifetime.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Why

Is the only thing I can ask myself.

I'm going through a stage where I am always angry. I have very little patience for anyone and anything. I have moments where I want to scream and throw everything in sight. People truly amaze me. And more than ever...I am reminded who truly is one of my good friends. It's really sad..because those who I thought did care about me, actually don't. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. I have never been so mad and frustrated. People say things that I can't even believe. A lot of the time, I just want to cut everybody off.

What am I suppose to do? How the hell am I going to get through this?

I have all these thoughts and feelings, but I have no idea what to say. I feel helpless..

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Dear Chad,

I love you more than life itself. This is so hard for me. So hard to be away from you, not knowing what you are thinking and feeling. I hate living my life without you. I miss everything about you. EVERYTHING. Your silly laugh that always, no matter what, made me laugh too. You're sweet smile that would melt my heart. Your hands...god I miss holding your hand. Your lips. Perfect lips that kissed my soul whenever they touched mine. I miss hearing you say, "Hi baby" every time I answered the phone. And always saying, "Bye beautiful" before hanging up. I miss cooking you dinner...and no matter what it was, whether you liked it or not...you always ate the first bite, turned towards me and said, "Good job baby," and kissed me. We ate on our tv trays every night. Why did we even buy a kitchen table? :) I miss you falling asleep every night on the couch way before I was ready for bed. I miss yelling across the house, no matter we were doing and saying I love you. I miss your silly dances for me. You always made me laugh more than anyone. Remember when we would watch Wipe Out and you would just crack up at all the people falling? I miss our nicknames and all the words we made up. I miss watching you chase Remi around the house for hours. He sure loved his daddy. Remember coming home from work and how excited and crazy he would get? He'd always pee a little on your boots. haha. I miss sleeping in our bed. You always slept as close to me as possible. We both always slept on my side of the bed. And between you an Remi I had no room. :) I miss you being picky about your clothes. I miss you wearing your Mountain Dew shirt all of the time. I miss our date nights every Thursday. Thank you for always taking me to Olive Garden all of those nights. Remember one date night where we had a picnic in the living room? You were always so romantic. I miss quoting all of our favorite movies together. "Who Carlos?" haha. I miss begging you to let me drive the truck. I miss you coming up to me while I was cooking and saying, "Hug me hug me hug me!" With your arms wide open waiting for me. I miss going to the "mot mub"(hot tub) every night and having our talk time. I'd be ready to leave but you would always want to stay and tell me that you liked just talking. We talked about everything didn't we baby. All of our wants and needs in life. All of our fears. We would splash each other and act like little kids. You always hated when other people were there. lol. Remember teaching me how to cut your hair? haha I didn't do too bad either huh baby? I miss you. I miss you so much...I just want to hear your voice. Tell me everything is going to be ok just like you always did. You always fixed everything. And even when you couldn't be any better, you always aspired to be a better husband You were the BEST husband babe. No doubt in my mind.

Promise me you aren't mad that we didn't get to do all the things we wanted? Move home and have a family. I read your letters and it makes me sad...you always told me this would be the last time we would have to do this. I believed you. I believed that we would be in AR in a year, and really starting our lives. Why did we get all of that taken away? It's not fair. I hate this more than I thought I could hate anything. I just want you home so bad. I didn't care if I had to wait 7 months...because after that you would be home for good. Out of harms way. I hate that you had to spend your last 6 weeks over there. Getting shot at and being exhausted. I don't know if I will ever understand why it is this way. Baby, I would do ANYTHING for you to come home. My heart hurts so bad, because no matter what I do or say...it can't change that you are gone. I get so mad that this is happening. I don't wish this upon anyone...but why us baby? I have never been so happy in my life than when I was with you. I will NEVER be that happy ever again. I will never have what we had with anyone else....I don't want that with anyone else. I want you! My heart is breaking into a million pieces...I can't believe this babe. I just want to give up but I can't. I want to stop everything and not care about any of it anymore. I feel like there's no point. All I have ever wanted in my life has been taken away. I just want you back... I don't need anything else. I would live in a box with no money, food, nothing...just as long as I could have you. Why couldn't you have stayed? Why? Why do others make it and you didn't? Baby, I don't even want answers...I just want my husband back. Please please please...wake me up from this terrible dream. I'm begging you....baby please...call me and tell me this is a huge mistake. Make this unbearable pain go away. Make these tears stop...please. I'd do anything...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Butterflies

Have you ever heard about seeing a butterfly?

They say that when you see a butterfly, someone close to you that has died is thinking about you. I saw a butterfly today! And at the craziest time and place. Its pouring rain outside, and I had just checked the mail and saw that I had gotten letters from Chad. Which is always bittersweet. I haven't even opened them yet. I'm walking to my front door and for some unexplainable reason I noticed a big black butterfly in the corner of the ceiling in my apartment complex. It was totally out of sight, but for some reason I had happened to look in that exact spot. I just looked and Mandy and said "Its a butterfly!" She asked how I even saw it...all I could think is that Chad had sent that sign to me. My sweet amazing husband is thinking of me today. Most likely thinking of me all of the time...but he wanted me to know today that he definitely is here with me in my heart.

Today was the ceremony for Chads purple heart. It was given to me formally and you can imagine how proud of him I felt. It was harder for me than I thought, but I did my best to keep my head held high for my husband. I am so thankful to have had people there that were so loving and respectful to me. Then on the drive home I got a little choked up listening to the songs that were played at his funeral. Chad must have known I needed a little encouragement today.

As always, my Chadillac never fails to amaze me. He sees my broken heart, and is here to put the pieces back together.

Even better the butterfly must have just came out of its caccoon because when I went back to take a picture I saw the caccoon right next to him. :)


Monday, December 20, 2010

Anger

I'm dealing with a lot of anger these days. I'm angry that this is happening to me. Angry that Chad doesnt get to live the rest of his life. No one can understand how bady I just want him to call and tell me this is one huge mistake. A big terrible mistake. I would do anything to make this all just go away. I'm mad because Chad was too good of a person to have his life end. Why am I still here? Chad has done so much good for this world....I have done nothing.

Its the weirdest thing to look at pictures of my husband and feel so distant....so detached. I'm mad at myself for feeling like I don know my husband anymore. I'm mad I can't reach through and just touch him or pick up my phone and call. I'm forgetting what his smile looks like in person. It has been over 2 months since I last saw him. Last time I kissed and hugged him. Do you know how mad that makes me. Knowing that no matter how hard I want or beg for it....I can't have him back. I had my whole life planned out. Now I have to start over completely. End a life I feel like I just started. We wanted a family. We wanted to enjoy being out of the Marine Corps and living in Arkansas. There's so much Chad wanted to do...so much he wanted to see. Now its all gone. All taken away. This makes me furious beyond belief because if anyone deserved to live their life...it was Chad. Why him? Why my sweet, loving, and funny husband? It's not fair. I want to scream!

I can't believe this is happening to me. I just can't believe it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

2 weeks/14 days/half a month

Since my husband has passed...

This is unbelievably crazy to me. These past 2 weeks have felt like one long day. I don't even remember what I have done everyday this month. Christmas is next week!!! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.

I guess there's no reason to give an explanation for anything right now...but I feel the need to share this "peace" that I have. This is so hard to explain. Honestly, after seeing my husband, I have had a whole new outlook. And it might sound silly, but lots of "signs" too. I really and truly think Chad is sending me things to give me some insight in such a hard time. Yes it is a VERY sad time, but like I have said before...my husband is home! He is home in my heart FOREVER. His soul is always with me. He is with me for every smile, laugh...and when I need it, tears. He is right here being my guardian angel. I don't care how silly this may sound to some, but I know what I feel and I can't explain it in any other way.

I have my sad moments, sometimes several times a day...times when I feel like my body is numb. Times when I get so angry I shake. Times when I want to give up. When things like that happen I let myself feel them. I need to do that or I will never move on. And you all have to remember...when I write in this blog, its usually when I have my thoughts together(for the short moment they are). You don't see me and how I am doing every second of everyday. Just know Im doing the best I can...not for you, not for me, but for CHAD. I have a new forgiveness in my heart. Don't take advantage of that though...I'm still tough as nails. :)

I got 3 letters from Chad in the mail today. It's funny because I just had a feeling to check my mail. I read them and I swear I could hear his voice reading it to me. It was bittersweet. It was good to know how much he loves me ad how hard he worked to come home to me. At the same time, it hurt to hear him talk about our future. I just hope he is up there and knows it will be ok. I hope he isn't sad and disappointed he didn't get the time to do the things with me he wanted. I'm not sure why that reason is yet...and my heart truly did start to sting when I read some of his words. But the time we did have together, couldn't have been more perfect. Excuse me for bragging, but I honestly think Chad and I had a love that some people go their whole lives without finding. That alone, knowing I had that for 2 years, makes me feel complete. Chad was happy. He told me so...on the phone, in his letters, and to my face. I'm glad that I made him just as happy as he made me. If you have ever read my previous blog entries, I have said that many times. Now, I finally believe that I have.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

One day at a time.

I wanted to update to let everyone know that I will be keeping up with my blog. The amazing out pour of support and love is the only thing keeping me going. Just like all of my previous posts, I plan on being as authentic as possible. Just know, whatever I write will influence whatever mood I may be in at the time. I'd hope everyone can understand the roller coaster of emotions I am and will be having.

I'm not sure where to start. This week has been a fog and has felt like 1 long day. I can't believe it has been 10 days since I had Marines in uniforms knocking on my door. And honestly, now that the services are all over, I'm scared to not be as busy as I have been. I WILL make it through this, although at times I'm not sure how I will make it one more minute...I HAVE to do this for Chad. I know that is what he wants...to live my life through him. I'm not going to lie...when Chad and I have discussed this before, we both told each other that we would take our own lives. It has crossed my mind, but I know that it is not my time and that Chad will be waiting for as long as he needs to until I am with him again. If I did something stupid like that, Chad would be so angry. An amazing woman told me, "You were married Death Til You Part." Chad may not be here physically, but I am still married to the most amazing man I have ever met.

It almost seems silly to say something like this at this time...but everything happens for a reason. I know this because of all the little(and some big) signs Chad has sent down to me to have a better understanding of why. If you knew Chad, you knew how amazing,big hearted, a caring person he was. Someone as great as Chad needed to be somewhere where he could do so much more. Lots of family and friend relationships were lost in the past, and Chad has brought everyone together again. Just like always, he is picking up all the pieces and putting them back together again.

I wonder why I have to hurt this much? Why am I 20 years old and widowed? The only answer I can come up with is that Chad chose me because I could be strong enough for whatever happened between us. I don't feel it now, but just maybe I am strong enough to get through this.

This whirl wind of emotions is unlike anything I couldn't ever imagine. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anybody.

There is no way I could've written this semi-positive entry a week ago. But guess what? I saw my husband. I got to see him one last time. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing him, but I am so glad I did. Another thing I truly think was a sign that I needed to. I got to tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, and how I'm going to get through this for HIM! I saw him and touched his hair and a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. The first time I got to touch him in 2 months. I closed my eyes and touched his hair...it felt the same exact way the last time I touched his hair. I couldn't stop smiling. My husband is home now. Buried to rest in peace. He will ever hurt again. Never be cold or sad. He will never be shot at again. My husband is with me in my heart forever. I finally have my husband home.

I never thought I'd get past the knock on my door...but here I am, 10 days later. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Letting myself feel whatever it is I need to feel at the time. This isn't a quick fix..and my heart will never stop hurting. But I will learn to find peace in this disaster. I will learn what it is Chad wants for me. I will NEVER stop loving that man. I will NEVER stop being proud of him. My husband is a true hero. How many people can say that?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

RIP sweet husband..

I never thought this would happen to me..

I lost my husband, but Heaven gained a damn good Marine.

I am so proud for you Chad. I am truly at a loss for words..