Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day #3! lol.. this week is dragging...
I talked to Chad earlier today. He was doing well but ready to be where their FOB is to get started on a schedule. I don't blame him, I'm ready to get back on track too. Today I didn't do much of anything. I don't ever feeling like doing anything right now..once this weekend is over I will force myself to get out of the house and look for a job. Chad and I both agreed we didn't want me to rush into anything and be stuck doing something I'm not ready to. I'm sure I can find something to keep me happy and occupied.

I've noticed that I tend to back away from everything when I'm upset. But that's just how I deal with things, I need my own space to get it together and once I do, I will be good as new. I just hope people can understand that and give me my space.

I haven't cried today!! :) haha. So I am feeling better. I'm sure their will be plenty of times in the next 7 months that I will want to( and probably will) cry, but I have got to put my big girl panties on and stay strong for Chad. His well being is more important to me and I will do anything to help him stay relaxed and worry free about stuff back home. I love him so much and we have the rest of our lives to worry about other stuff...but him being where he is right now means I gotta put my stuff aside and give him everything and anything he needs from me. As I have said many times before, I would do absolutely ANYTHING for Chad. He is my whole world and heart and I can't imagine my life without him permanently. Once he comes home from this deployment it will be the home stretch for us! Moving back to Arkansas and getting started on the rest of our lives together. We will never have to be apart... EVER. I love him so much. All I want is to make him as happy as he makes me. :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Day 2

Chad has been gone for 2 days now. Tonight I'm doing a bit better. I spent most of the day vegging at the house, but decided I want to make some homemade apple sauce. So I got showered and dressed and made a quick trip to the store for a bag of apples and took Remi to the dog park for a bit. The applesauce came out really good and I actually made some dinner for myself. I haven't been hungry but forced myself to eat a pork chop. Chads favorite. :) I haven't heard from him today. I heard from him last night for about 4 minutes and I'm hoping to here his voice tonight. I've felt bad for not wanting to hang out or talk to anybody. But I just need some time to regroup and give myself some time to get into my own schedule. I just want this first month to be over with...the first month is always the hardest. I'm anxious to start sending letters and care packages, but I want to wait until he arrives at his FOB.

My birthday is in a week. I haven't really given it much thought...I wish Chad could be here for my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. At the same time, this will be the last time he will be gone for the rest of our lives. I just keep trying to remind myself of that, but it doesn't really make it that much easier right now.

As far as the whole trying to conceive thing...I still haven't started my period and I'm hoping it doesn't take another 3 months to come back. Such a pain waiting for it to come.I'm 3 days late and wish it would just show up already so I can stop worrying about it. I'm plan on using these next 7-9 months to get my body in shape and track my cycles so we can get pregnant soon after he gets home. So I will probably keep track of all that here also.

I hope every ones week went better than mine. And hopefully my mood will start to get better soon. Here are some pictures of the night that Chad left..

I just got a phone call from Chad right in the middle of posting this. Its 8 in the morning on Saturday where he is at. He sounded good, but our phone call cut off and Im waiting to hear back from him.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


No other word to describe how I feel right now. I don't feel like writing too much because I will just start crying again...

Watching Chad get on that bus and leave literally felt like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I had no idea I was going to break down so bad. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. I had to leave and drive home without him. I had to wave goodbye and kiss him for the last time.. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. My whole heart is leaving for 7 months and I can't believe we have to do this again. I'm sad he wont be here in the house with me, I wont be able to cook for him, love on him, and enjoy his company. But most of all, I can't do anything to keep him safe.. I feel so worthless. I want this to be over with and for him to be home. I love him so much.. I hate this.

Maybe when I feel more up to it I will post more pictures...but for now I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and cry.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I really thought it happened..

Well, last night I really thought we were going to have a big announcement for everyone. As most people know, we've been trying to conceive for about 3 months. And even though after our first visit to the doctor to take me off all my meds to start, we were told it takes a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant, I still had hope it would happen before Chad deployed. We planned it that way so that by the time he got back he would be home in time or the birth. FYI, If you are not interested or womanly stuff bothers you, I'd stop reading now. lol

Anyway, I haven't really gotten into much detail other than stating we were trying. I went of the pill while Chad was training in Mojave Viper during the whole month of July. Well I was oblivious to the fact that my body needed time to get back to normal after being on BC or 4 years. It took me almost 3 full months to finally get my good ol' aunt flow. Those first couple of months, I was convinced I had gotten pregnant. I had crazy symptoms I have never had before, and of course no period. But It ended up just being my body trying to get back on track making my own horomones again. So I guess technically speaking, September and October have been the only months I have ovulated. So maybe I should say it's only been 2 months that I actually could've gotten pregnant. This month I figured out how to tell I was ovulating and we did the "love dance" that entire time. One thing they don't tell you in Sex Ed, is that there's only maybe a week out of every month that you can actually get pregnant. I was under the impression until not to long ago that it could really happen at any point in time. Anyhow, I'm close to being 2 weeks post ovulation. I started taking tests about 5 days ago because I just wasn't feeling myself. I knew it was early to start testing, but I really had no idea what as going on. I started to get very fatigue. I was ready for bed by 8 o'clock. Which is VERY early or me. I had some slight cramping, nausea, and my emotions have been getting the best of me. And all of this started not too long after I stopped ovulating. Well up until last night all I got was negatives, I wasn't very surprised, because even if I was, it would most likely be to early to tell... Now to start with last night...

I got some Dollar store tests, after doing a lot of research, they work just as well as name brand tests. And spending $8- $15 every time I wanted to test was getting out of control. I bought 4 and said I would take one every other day, or every day. When I ran out of those, and still had no period I would keep taking them. Last night I took one after we got home from San Diego, just to see. I sat there and watched for the result, within like 1 minute I only saw a negative, so I brushed it off and we got ready to go to the hot tub. Once we got back room the hot tub, I was curious to see it again, I guess just to put my mind at ease before bed. Well low and behold, there was a VERY faint positive line. I freaked out! I asked Chad if he could see it and he saw it too. So it wasn't just in my head. But then he reminded me that it had been after 10 minutes and you aren't suppose to acknowledge anything after that time frame. I've had some evaporation lines on some of the others, but none that were in that exact spot and were pink in color. My heart started pounding. That was my last test that I had at the house, so I headed over to Walgreens at like 10 to grab some others since the dollar store was closed and I didn't want to wait til the next day. I prayed the entire way there, begging and hoping for me to be pregnant. Once I rushed to the store and back I took another one, saving the other for the morning. Well, it came out negative, no faint line or anything, as did the the morning test...

I was devastated. I guess it is my fault I got my hopes up so fast. As for now, I'm guessing we didn't get pregnant this month, and it must have just been an evaporation line since I looked back at it about 30 min later. I have one more test, but I'm not testing again until I see whether my period comes or not. Which is in about 3 days.

We were really hoping it would happen this month, since it's the last time it could've happened before Chad left. But I am trying to stay positive. And Chad has been so patient with me, and he has really lifted me up with every negative I have cried over. I just pray that it happens once he gets back. I know it's early to think this, but I don't want to be one of those women who can't ever get pregnant, or that it takes like 5 years of trying. Everyone has reassured me that it will happen when it suppose to, but I honestly hate that saying. Makes my heart sting because I know we will be amazing parents. And I look at others who got pregnant, and really didn't want r planned for it to happen. One day, I pray that we will be given the gift we want so bad. And baby dust to all those who want it just as bad!

More weekend fun!

I hope everyones weekend was as good as ours....just less bittersweet.

So yesterday we took a trip down to San Diego and spent a few hours at Sea World. We planned on going to see the new baby penguin, but after a 30 min dolphin show and other stuff we were ready to get out o there. It was packed full because of the Halloween stuff going on. Lot's of cute kids in costumes. We probably would've stayed longer, but we don't handle big crowds very well. haha. We'd rather be homebodies. :) After Sea World we headed downtown went to the mall and had dinner at TGI Fridays. It was a good busy day. It's been cold and rainy here, but yesterday we didn't get much rain so it turned out to be a good day to go to Sea World. The dolphin and whale show we saw was amazing! I highly recommend it!

^^^^^^They had snakes and a legless lizard to pet. You know I had to get in line with all the other kids to get a good feel of the reptiles. haha

I didn't get many pictures because my camera died not too long after being there...which is what happened last year when we went. haha. But we got our picture drawn by a cartoon artist. I've always wanted to do one of those to see what we would look like. t came out pretty funny. I KNEW that he would make my smile huge, because hey, I've got a big smile. And I look like a mix between Bugs Bunny and a 12 year old! lol. I personally feel like Chads picture looks nothing like him. He looks like a meat head! I think I hurt the artists feeling because I made a comment about it, totally just poking fun, well he was quick to say he thought he got it spot on. It was all in good fun and love that every time I look at it I can't help but laugh. :)

Today we had a list of stuff to do. Go to AT&T to get Chad's cell phone turned off for deployment, but we got there and their system was down so they gave us a number to call tomorrow. Chad had to get a haircut, we went to Lowes and got an alarm to put on the front door. That makes me feel a lot better about being by myself while my big muscular husband is gone. :) And as I'm writing this, Chad is packing up all of his gear. Makes me sad that he's already packing up to leave for Afghanistan...

Now I'm off to make dinner! We are watching the Colts game of course and we'll be having hoagies. Yumm!


Friday, October 15, 2010

Enjoying our last weekend together...

It's officially our last weekend together before Chad leaves for a long 7 month deployment. Even though it's a sad couple of days, it's been amazing. Since Chad wont be here for my birthday, we had a pre-birthday celebration! haha He took me out to my favorite restaurant, Olive Garden. :) I stuffed my face until I couldn't anymore. He's such a good husband to me. I got to go on a special shopping trip, I got flowers, and a precious card. It's been an awesome pre-birthday!

So on my birthday shopping fun day, I of course got decorations for the house. I'd rather buy house stuff over than anything else, clothes, jewelery, ANYTHING! I got some fall decorations because I didn't have any. A table cloth and some autumn candles. I got the little last touches to some places in the house. I'm finally happy with our bathroom and how it has come together. Now if only I could pant these dang apartment walls...

Here are some other random spots in the house I have gotten fall decor for..

I'm in LOVE with the candle in the next picture I got from walmart for only $5!! It's called Mulled Cider, and it makes the apartment smell so homey. :)

Tonight I tried out a new recipe. I got it from my Slow Cooker Bible. It was chicken and black bean chili. Yummmo!! It was so easy and so delicious. My crock pot is one of my favorites! So easy to just throw everything in in the morning, and there's endless possibilities. I put a little sour cream on mine. I will definitely be making this again!

After our chili we went and saw Jackass 3D. Chad has been dying to see it. It was pretty funny. Some parts I just had to look away. haha. I was little curious as to why some parents thought it was ok to take their kids...young kids. In my opinion, NOT kid friendly!. It's been cold and rainy here, so I wore my boots tonight. One of my favorite parts about fall/winter clothes!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend. No matter what you have going on, enjoy it and enjoy time with the ones you love!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Lots of thoughts and lots of stress!!!

Isn't he such a little cutie!

Doing the best I can to relax and enjoy the time I have left with my husband before this deployment. But between him leaving and us trying to conceive, I'm a sleepless mess. I'm trying as hard as I can to just breathe.... Easier said than done.

I'm not truly sure if this deployment has quite hit me yet. I think about it a lot lately, but my mindset is totally different this time around. That's probably for the best I assume. I do find myself falling in love with things all over again lately. Last night we went to bed and as always he was knocked out before me. I just laid with him, smelled him, kissed him, and kept my arms around him for as long as he would let me. Ahhh..just writing this me makes me tear up. I think this is the reason I don't write on here much anymore. Makes me go to the thoughts I've been pushing away.

On a less depressing
This our last month before Chad leaves to try and conceive. I'm praying all goes well, but not getting my hopes up. I would love for it to happen now. Funny thing is, I should find out if we have around the same time Chad leaves. I have had some stuff going on that I haven't ever noticed this early in my cycle before, so we will see in about a week or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me! This is our 3rd month of trying!

I've also done a lot of playing around with make up. Trying to try new stuff out of my comfort zone. I did a pin up look which was a lot of fun, and just some other stuff with different colors. I don't think anyone really reads this, but I will post pics that I can look back on. :) I did a pin up look(the first 2 photos) and a pretty blue eyeshadow in the other pictures.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hopeful thinking..

Wishing for a precious gift...

Words can't explain how much I want this. Especially with Chad leaving.. please.... My heart aches for this and I know I would be amazing.

If it doesn't happen, atleast make it sting a little less.

Monday, October 4, 2010

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

Loving this song right now. Sad, yet precious...

October..another busy month

Wow.. haven't written in here in 2 months! Mostly because we have been so busy, and I'm almost ready to ditch this whole blog idea.. I don't know. I might keep it up just for the sake of having somewhere to escape to while Chad is deployed.

A lot happens in 2 months. A lot of ups and downs. As of right now we are just preparing for Chad's next deployment. And in a weird way, I'm not as much of a mess as I was last time. I guess living this life for the past year gives me a better perspective. I find myself getting agitated when others act as if the world is ending because of deployment. I never thought I would be this way, but I have been pretty optimistic through it all. At least he is only gone 7-9 months, rather than 14. At least this is his last deployment. And I know how fast it flies by. But most important is that I KNOW Chad will make it home safely. I can't quite explain it, but I just have this serene feeling about it all. Other family members that are letting this destroy them, only gets me down. I need to stay optimistic and positive. I wish everyone else could be too. As a USMC infantry wife, I am stronger and wiser, I am so incredibly proud of what my husband does. And just like everything else...This too shall pass. So bring it on!

We recently got home from Pre-deployment leave. In some ways it was nice to be back in Arkansas. Mostly because I knew how much it meant to Chad to be there and see his family and friends. I did see some of my close friends also..I miss them so much. But this is my home. I have built my life up here this past year. I have amazing friends here, our own home, and my little family that I adore. While I was back in Arkansas, I felt suffocated. We weren't in our own place, we didn't have our own vehicle to come and go as we please. Besides I forget how completely different the atmosphere is there. I've always been a city girl. Where everything is fast pace and lots to do. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to raise a family here in Cali, but right now, I prefer it here. Which is odd being how I was so homesick when I first moved here last t October. But at the time, Arkansas was all I really knew. California is an amazing place. Somewhere I never thought I'd have the chance to visit, much less live. I am so lucky to have had this experience, and I hoping that when it comes time to move back to our small town life style, I will be ready. That's one thing I am so scared of. Is moving home...having to start all over. Chad reassures me we will be ok, so I'm keeping faith in his words.

So I am glad to be back, I just wish our time here wasn't so limited.

Oh and on September 18th we celebrated our 1 year anniversary! We've been together for about 2 years and married for 1 amazing year. Wow how time has slipped right through my fingers. It's been amazing and I wonder where we'll be in a year from now. How diffeent we will be and if we will be starting a family. :) Whatever comes at us, I can't wait and look forward to spending the rest of ur lives together.