What really goes through peoples minds when they say some of the things they do. Yes I haven't written much since this whole situation..and I also really didn't want to bring everyone into all of the unbelievable things that have happened. But it's gotten to the point where all I can say is really??
While I was on a plane coming home from Dover(where my husband got back to US soil)a lady really was furious with me that my knees where pushing too hard into her seat, while I was sleeping mind you. She was literally throwing her entire body against her seat to hit me. She turned to me, and very rudely told me to get my knees off of her seat. I stared in disbelief..thinking, my husband just died in Afghanistan and you're worried about my knees??? I ignored her and didn't say one word because I was so in shock and already emotionally drained. She then decided to get a flight attendant involved. I interrupted her and explained what had happened and that honestly I didn't give a rats ass about my knees in her seat. She looked at me and quickly said, "That has nothing to do with me." And that she had paid for her seat so she should be able to fly comfortably. REALLY LADY??? Our military men and women are overseas so YOU can take your suburban family on an airplane to where ever the hell it is you want to go. I couldn't help but to burst into tears. She never turned around to apologize and went out of her way not to make eye contact with me. So she was uncomfortable for a few minutes. My heart and soul will NEVER stop hurting. Do you know how bad I would do anything to trade some stupid knee in my seat over this unbearable pain I feel? That's fine...she is the one that as to live with that for the rest of her life. I hope she loses sleep over what she had said to me. If she isn't thankful for my husband sacrifice...then she should've been the one standing in front of him. That might sound harsh...but as of now, I don't care.
Do you know how many times I have had someone tell me that my husband dying in Afghanistan has nothing to do with them... I'll tell you how many. Wayyyy too many. Unbelievable amounts of people. It's not like he died in a car accident...he died fighting for this country and for OUR freedom. I pitty those who can't find it in their hearts to be forever thankful to my husband.
People say things to comfort me...when really I'd rather them have just kept there mouth shut. If you didn't know, Chad had volunteered to be his companies Radio Operator. He wasn't forced into that position...he volunteered. Being the RO is one of the most dangerous jobs you could do. Not to mention he was already Infantry. Chad would always be front of the line. The first to get shot at. But Chad had told me many times why he decided to do it. Because HE knew that if anything were to happen...HE could take care of the situation and get everyone home safely. He said that if anything were to happen to one of his buddies that he couldn't control...he wouldn't be able to live with himself. THAT right there...takes a REAL man. A REAL Marine. Then some girl has the nerve to write me a message saying that she has aways been told.." If you don' want to die, don't volunteer to handle the Radios." REALLY???? Thanks for the reminder. But also...thank you for reminding me how much of a MAN my husband was. How brave and selfless he was.
People have said the craziest things. Yes, I know that its most likely because they don't know what else to say. But next time you write me...and you wonder if they are the right words or not. I suggest not saying anything at all.
People try to understand my pain and hurt. Like telling me..."this might not hurt right now because you're in shock. But when it sinks in it's going to really suck. " No shit! I just lost my husband. My whole heart. My best friend. My SOULMATE. And you don't think I hurt?!?! I hurt a LOT. I hurt more than anyone could ever imagine. Hurt doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. There is no word that explains the excruciating pain I feel deep into my soul. And you will never know unless you are in my shoes. And you know what? I hope you don't have to. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I didn't even know this kind "hurt" existed.
I get mad a lot. So mad that I feel the anger radiate from my bones. I'm not perfect. And I'd hope no one would expect me too in this kind of situation. But Im doing my damn best. The last thing on my mind is making everyone else happy and catering to their needs. YOU have everything in your life. You have someone to come to. While you are making your homecoming posters...I carry around my husbands death certificate. While you complain about not hearing from your spouse for 1 day....I have to wait a lifetime. You complain about being stressed and not sleeping. I carry the stress on my heart that my husband didn't get to finish his life that he deserved. You complain about your kids...I will never have my husbands children like we had tried and planned. You get to watch your husband walk off of that bus safely after a deployment. The last time I saw my husband was when I watched him walk onto that bus.
In no way am I making this all about me me me. But I'm so tired of people taking what they have for granted. Especially people who are so close to this situation. I have never felt so lonely and disappointed in people in my whole life. It's a real shame my husband had to die to prove to me who truly love and care for me. And for those of you who have stuck around for all of this...I love you with all of my heart. Now more than ever, I have learned to love with everything I have. I am very particular about who it is....but I can promise you. Once you are "in," you will forever me in my heart. I have had complete strangers be more compassionate to me than some of my "family" and "friends."
Black and white. Most of you have not been through or ever will go through what I am dealing with right now. I am 20 years old...and I have had more hurt in my heart than some of you might ever have in your enitre lifetime.