Saturday, December 11, 2010

One day at a time.

I wanted to update to let everyone know that I will be keeping up with my blog. The amazing out pour of support and love is the only thing keeping me going. Just like all of my previous posts, I plan on being as authentic as possible. Just know, whatever I write will influence whatever mood I may be in at the time. I'd hope everyone can understand the roller coaster of emotions I am and will be having.

I'm not sure where to start. This week has been a fog and has felt like 1 long day. I can't believe it has been 10 days since I had Marines in uniforms knocking on my door. And honestly, now that the services are all over, I'm scared to not be as busy as I have been. I WILL make it through this, although at times I'm not sure how I will make it one more minute...I HAVE to do this for Chad. I know that is what he wants...to live my life through him. I'm not going to lie...when Chad and I have discussed this before, we both told each other that we would take our own lives. It has crossed my mind, but I know that it is not my time and that Chad will be waiting for as long as he needs to until I am with him again. If I did something stupid like that, Chad would be so angry. An amazing woman told me, "You were married Death Til You Part." Chad may not be here physically, but I am still married to the most amazing man I have ever met.

It almost seems silly to say something like this at this time...but everything happens for a reason. I know this because of all the little(and some big) signs Chad has sent down to me to have a better understanding of why. If you knew Chad, you knew how amazing,big hearted, a caring person he was. Someone as great as Chad needed to be somewhere where he could do so much more. Lots of family and friend relationships were lost in the past, and Chad has brought everyone together again. Just like always, he is picking up all the pieces and putting them back together again.

I wonder why I have to hurt this much? Why am I 20 years old and widowed? The only answer I can come up with is that Chad chose me because I could be strong enough for whatever happened between us. I don't feel it now, but just maybe I am strong enough to get through this.

This whirl wind of emotions is unlike anything I couldn't ever imagine. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anybody.

There is no way I could've written this semi-positive entry a week ago. But guess what? I saw my husband. I got to see him one last time. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing him, but I am so glad I did. Another thing I truly think was a sign that I needed to. I got to tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, and how I'm going to get through this for HIM! I saw him and touched his hair and a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. The first time I got to touch him in 2 months. I closed my eyes and touched his hair...it felt the same exact way the last time I touched his hair. I couldn't stop smiling. My husband is home now. Buried to rest in peace. He will ever hurt again. Never be cold or sad. He will never be shot at again. My husband is with me in my heart forever. I finally have my husband home.

I never thought I'd get past the knock on my door...but here I am, 10 days later. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Letting myself feel whatever it is I need to feel at the time. This isn't a quick fix..and my heart will never stop hurting. But I will learn to find peace in this disaster. I will learn what it is Chad wants for me. I will NEVER stop loving that man. I will NEVER stop being proud of him. My husband is a true hero. How many people can say that?

11 comments:

  1. This is so touching Katie i love you girl your the strongest women i know and i cant imagine the feelings you have and are going to go threw you are a wonderful women who i look up to you give me hope and strength and you will make it threw every little obstacle that happens and chad will be right by your side and when in doubt he will show you he is there and he is never leaving your side he is your guardian angel your hero and i can say your husband is a true hero and we are all proud of him. Keep going strong girlie see you at homecoming. Love you

    Love always and forever
    2/1 fox co wife
    Sarah Urena

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  2. You are such a strong woman Katie! I know everyone has told you that, and they are right!.. Rreading this made me cry. I am so proud of you for dealing with this the way you are. I pray for you everynight. The other day as i layed in bed, i "talked to you"..I told you That i was there for you, and that i would always keep you in my prayers. This shouldnt happen to anyone, and i am truly sad it has happened to you. Chad is so proud of you, and wouldnt want to see you harm yourself in anyway. You are his temple, and he worships you. I am with you sister..though it may not be physically, i am with you mentally.
    I send my love and prayers to you.
    Stay strong and positive. Much Love,
    Shirley

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  3. gosh, I just can't believe how positive you are, but I am so happy that you are looking at this as best you can! I'm proud of you and I know your chad is!! (: you really are amazing, and after this you can get through anything, nothing more in life should ever be able to bring you down you've been through so much being only 20. You truly are an inspiration and so I am glad you're continuing your blog.

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  4. You are amazing, and so is Chad. You are in my prayers!

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  5. Katie, still praying for you. You are a strong woman and I bet your husband would be so proud. When you said that Chad chose you because he thought you were strong enough to get through whatever... is so true. Marine wives are so special. We put up with a lot. We go through a lot. And unfortunately, you have endured it all. I am so sorry for your loss, Katie. I know there will be low days, but just try to remember all of the amazing times you had with your husband. Those memories will carry you through.

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  6. I've been thinking about you this entire time. I'm glad you have found some positive in this, but don't forget that it's okay to not feel that way.

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  7. I know you will get through this & Chad is extremely proud of you just like everyone else is, my husband & I continue to have you in our prayers daily. Continue to be positive, only time will help you heal.

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  8. Ahhh! You are sooo strong Katie.. always remember if you need a place to hide, please call.. and we'll make that ambush trip to Hobby Lobby! <3 you sooo sooo much girl!

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  9. military wives are some of the strongest women i know!!!!
    i have been praying for you daily!
    GOD will carry you through this...keep your eyes on HIM!!!

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  10. Like everyone has said above... You truly are amazing and strong. I know that you know that your Chad is ooo so proud of you also for being so strong!

    Us military wives are the strongest and we are always there for each other no matter what.

    My heart goes out to you soooo much. If you ever need anything at all and I mean anything (well besides a million dollars ;)) Let me know!

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  11. Your husband is so proud of you Katie. When you have a hard time remember this post. He loves you so very much.

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