I wanted to update to let everyone know that I will be keeping up with my blog. The amazing out pour of support and love is the only thing keeping me going. Just like all of my previous posts, I plan on being as authentic as possible. Just know, whatever I write will influence whatever mood I may be in at the time. I'd hope everyone can understand the roller coaster of emotions I am and will be having.
I'm not sure where to start. This week has been a fog and has felt like 1 long day. I can't believe it has been 10 days since I had Marines in uniforms knocking on my door. And honestly, now that the services are all over, I'm scared to not be as busy as I have been. I WILL make it through this, although at times I'm not sure how I will make it one more minute...I HAVE to do this for Chad. I know that is what he wants...to live my life through him. I'm not going to lie...when Chad and I have discussed this before, we both told each other that we would take our own lives. It has crossed my mind, but I know that it is not my time and that Chad will be waiting for as long as he needs to until I am with him again. If I did something stupid like that, Chad would be so angry. An amazing woman told me, "You were married Death Til You Part." Chad may not be here physically, but I am still married to the most amazing man I have ever met.
It almost seems silly to say something like this at this time...but everything happens for a reason. I know this because of all the little(and some big) signs Chad has sent down to me to have a better understanding of why. If you knew Chad, you knew how amazing,big hearted, a caring person he was. Someone as great as Chad needed to be somewhere where he could do so much more. Lots of family and friend relationships were lost in the past, and Chad has brought everyone together again. Just like always, he is picking up all the pieces and putting them back together again.
I wonder why I have to hurt this much? Why am I 20 years old and widowed? The only answer I can come up with is that Chad chose me because I could be strong enough for whatever happened between us. I don't feel it now, but just maybe I am strong enough to get through this.
This whirl wind of emotions is unlike anything I couldn't ever imagine. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anybody.
There is no way I could've written this semi-positive entry a week ago. But guess what? I saw my husband. I got to see him one last time. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle seeing him, but I am so glad I did. Another thing I truly think was a sign that I needed to. I got to tell him how proud I am of him, how much I love him, and how I'm going to get through this for HIM! I saw him and touched his hair and a huge burden was lifted off of my shoulders. The first time I got to touch him in 2 months. I closed my eyes and touched his hair...it felt the same exact way the last time I touched his hair. I couldn't stop smiling. My husband is home now. Buried to rest in peace. He will ever hurt again. Never be cold or sad. He will never be shot at again. My husband is with me in my heart forever. I finally have my husband home.
I never thought I'd get past the knock on my door...but here I am, 10 days later. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Letting myself feel whatever it is I need to feel at the time. This isn't a quick fix..and my heart will never stop hurting. But I will learn to find peace in this disaster. I will learn what it is Chad wants for me. I will NEVER stop loving that man. I will NEVER stop being proud of him. My husband is a true hero. How many people can say that?