Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Finding my "normal"

What's someones normal after a situation like this? I'm not really even sure if there is such a thing.

My normal is now completely opposite of what I am use to. My normal is crying at the drop of a hat. My normal is losing sleep and losing weight. My normal is wondering, how the hell am I going to make it through this day? My normal is a messy house that never seems to stay clean and put together. Laundry that never gets done. Normal is screaming at the top of my lungs at stupid drivers. My normal is laughing at people who amaze me...because I am in so much shock. My normal is never wanting to go to sleep...but once I do..I never want to get up. My normal is not being able to bring myself to sleeping in our bed. My new bed is my couch. My normal is constant headaches and fatigue. My normal is getting so annoyed with things I never even noticed before. My normal is clenching my fists and jaw when really and truly its taking everything I have not to punch someone or something. My normal is accidentally running to my ringing phone, because for a split second, I think it might be Chad calling from Afghanistan. My normal is having dreams that my husband comes home to tell me it's all a mistake. I never want to wake up from those dreams. My normal is being terrified of being alone. My normal is so confused as to what I am suppose to do now. My normal is not knowing what the hell I will be doing in a year from now. My normal is doing the best I can to remember what it is like to have my husband around...what it's like to hear his voice.

What is normal? How do you get back to normal after this? I don't think you do. I think everything becomes a new way to deal with this life that has been handed to me. Normal is being a human being and feeling all of the shitty stuff you have to feel to make it through.. Isn't that crazy? That you HAVE to feel the hurt to ever feel better again.

6 comments:

  1. Scream Katie. Don't stop. Cry, don't stop. Take a kickboxing class. Beat it out of a punching bag. Please be angry. Because it's okay. It's not fair what happened to Chad but I am damn proud of what he did. He was brave, strong, courageous, and he loved you. I may be way down here, and I may be quiet but we are always here for you. I hope you always know that.

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  2. Hi Katie- I admire you. I admire your strength and ability to get through this while trying to deal with your own emotions and other peoples comments and opinions. I don't know you or Chad but I can tell you adored him. I couldn't imagine dealing with the loss of my husband. I think you are handling yourself in all the 'normal' ways. Its okay to be pissed, and cry and scream. Don't worry about other people, just cope the best way you can. Remember all the good times, cherish them and never forget them.

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  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you feel His arms around you. God bless!

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  4. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes in the upcoming months.

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  5. Katie,
    I am so sorry your now a member of this shitty club. I've been in it for five months now. I am still struggling with "normal". We are going to have to find a new normal because our world is forever changed. In time I suppose we'll get used to it, but It sure is a completely, confusing, heartbreaking, frustrating, and utterly exhausting process. Try and be gentle with yourself, your normal will be whatever you choose to do that day to take another breath and one more step forward. Sending love your way.

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  6. Hi Katie. I too just stumbled across your blog and your words, feelings, emotions are so raw and so true. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Your husband, best friend, soulmate...your forever, has been taken from you. Take all the time you need to grieve. ALL OF THE TIME YOU WANT/NEED. I am so extremely sorry for your loss. I thankk your Hero for his service, and I thank you too, for yours. May God watch over you both and keep you wrapped in his arms. God bless, and many prayers are with you.

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