Saturday, December 25, 2010

Dear Chad,

I love you more than life itself. This is so hard for me. So hard to be away from you, not knowing what you are thinking and feeling. I hate living my life without you. I miss everything about you. EVERYTHING. Your silly laugh that always, no matter what, made me laugh too. You're sweet smile that would melt my heart. Your hands...god I miss holding your hand. Your lips. Perfect lips that kissed my soul whenever they touched mine. I miss hearing you say, "Hi baby" every time I answered the phone. And always saying, "Bye beautiful" before hanging up. I miss cooking you dinner...and no matter what it was, whether you liked it or not...you always ate the first bite, turned towards me and said, "Good job baby," and kissed me. We ate on our tv trays every night. Why did we even buy a kitchen table? :) I miss you falling asleep every night on the couch way before I was ready for bed. I miss yelling across the house, no matter we were doing and saying I love you. I miss your silly dances for me. You always made me laugh more than anyone. Remember when we would watch Wipe Out and you would just crack up at all the people falling? I miss our nicknames and all the words we made up. I miss watching you chase Remi around the house for hours. He sure loved his daddy. Remember coming home from work and how excited and crazy he would get? He'd always pee a little on your boots. haha. I miss sleeping in our bed. You always slept as close to me as possible. We both always slept on my side of the bed. And between you an Remi I had no room. :) I miss you being picky about your clothes. I miss you wearing your Mountain Dew shirt all of the time. I miss our date nights every Thursday. Thank you for always taking me to Olive Garden all of those nights. Remember one date night where we had a picnic in the living room? You were always so romantic. I miss quoting all of our favorite movies together. "Who Carlos?" haha. I miss begging you to let me drive the truck. I miss you coming up to me while I was cooking and saying, "Hug me hug me hug me!" With your arms wide open waiting for me. I miss going to the "mot mub"(hot tub) every night and having our talk time. I'd be ready to leave but you would always want to stay and tell me that you liked just talking. We talked about everything didn't we baby. All of our wants and needs in life. All of our fears. We would splash each other and act like little kids. You always hated when other people were there. lol. Remember teaching me how to cut your hair? haha I didn't do too bad either huh baby? I miss you. I miss you so much...I just want to hear your voice. Tell me everything is going to be ok just like you always did. You always fixed everything. And even when you couldn't be any better, you always aspired to be a better husband You were the BEST husband babe. No doubt in my mind.

Promise me you aren't mad that we didn't get to do all the things we wanted? Move home and have a family. I read your letters and it makes me sad...you always told me this would be the last time we would have to do this. I believed you. I believed that we would be in AR in a year, and really starting our lives. Why did we get all of that taken away? It's not fair. I hate this more than I thought I could hate anything. I just want you home so bad. I didn't care if I had to wait 7 months...because after that you would be home for good. Out of harms way. I hate that you had to spend your last 6 weeks over there. Getting shot at and being exhausted. I don't know if I will ever understand why it is this way. Baby, I would do ANYTHING for you to come home. My heart hurts so bad, because no matter what I do or say...it can't change that you are gone. I get so mad that this is happening. I don't wish this upon anyone...but why us baby? I have never been so happy in my life than when I was with you. I will NEVER be that happy ever again. I will never have what we had with anyone else....I don't want that with anyone else. I want you! My heart is breaking into a million pieces...I can't believe this babe. I just want to give up but I can't. I want to stop everything and not care about any of it anymore. I feel like there's no point. All I have ever wanted in my life has been taken away. I just want you back... I don't need anything else. I would live in a box with no money, food, nothing...just as long as I could have you. Why couldn't you have stayed? Why? Why do others make it and you didn't? Baby, I don't even want answers...I just want my husband back. Please please please...wake me up from this terrible dream. I'm begging you....baby please...call me and tell me this is a huge mistake. Make this unbearable pain go away. Make these tears stop...please. I'd do anything...

3 comments:

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. I'm sending you lots of love from NJ. (((HUGS)))

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  2. my heart is breaking for you and girl im so sorry this happened to you i cant imagine ... i will be praying my heart out tonight for you lots of love !

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  3. What you guys had was real, and when you feel like you have nothing left to hold onto, hold onto that fact.

    I have no words that can numb or take away the pain, though I wish I did. If I was there, stranger or not, I'd give you a giant hug.

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