Since my husband has passed...
This is unbelievably crazy to me. These past 2 weeks have felt like one long day. I don't even remember what I have done everyday this month. Christmas is next week!!! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.
I guess there's no reason to give an explanation for anything right now...but I feel the need to share this "peace" that I have. This is so hard to explain. Honestly, after seeing my husband, I have had a whole new outlook. And it might sound silly, but lots of "signs" too. I really and truly think Chad is sending me things to give me some insight in such a hard time. Yes it is a VERY sad time, but like I have said before...my husband is home! He is home in my heart FOREVER. His soul is always with me. He is with me for every smile, laugh...and when I need it, tears. He is right here being my guardian angel. I don't care how silly this may sound to some, but I know what I feel and I can't explain it in any other way.
I have my sad moments, sometimes several times a day...times when I feel like my body is numb. Times when I get so angry I shake. Times when I want to give up. When things like that happen I let myself feel them. I need to do that or I will never move on. And you all have to remember...when I write in this blog, its usually when I have my thoughts together(for the short moment they are). You don't see me and how I am doing every second of everyday. Just know Im doing the best I can...not for you, not for me, but for CHAD. I have a new forgiveness in my heart. Don't take advantage of that though...I'm still tough as nails. :)
I got 3 letters from Chad in the mail today. It's funny because I just had a feeling to check my mail. I read them and I swear I could hear his voice reading it to me. It was bittersweet. It was good to know how much he loves me ad how hard he worked to come home to me. At the same time, it hurt to hear him talk about our future. I just hope he is up there and knows it will be ok. I hope he isn't sad and disappointed he didn't get the time to do the things with me he wanted. I'm not sure why that reason is yet...and my heart truly did start to sting when I read some of his words. But the time we did have together, couldn't have been more perfect. Excuse me for bragging, but I honestly think Chad and I had a love that some people go their whole lives without finding. That alone, knowing I had that for 2 years, makes me feel complete. Chad was happy. He told me so...on the phone, in his letters, and to my face. I'm glad that I made him just as happy as he made me. If you have ever read my previous blog entries, I have said that many times. Now, I finally believe that I have.