Tuesday, December 14, 2010

2 weeks/14 days/half a month

Since my husband has passed...

This is unbelievably crazy to me. These past 2 weeks have felt like one long day. I don't even remember what I have done everyday this month. Christmas is next week!!! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.

I guess there's no reason to give an explanation for anything right now...but I feel the need to share this "peace" that I have. This is so hard to explain. Honestly, after seeing my husband, I have had a whole new outlook. And it might sound silly, but lots of "signs" too. I really and truly think Chad is sending me things to give me some insight in such a hard time. Yes it is a VERY sad time, but like I have said before...my husband is home! He is home in my heart FOREVER. His soul is always with me. He is with me for every smile, laugh...and when I need it, tears. He is right here being my guardian angel. I don't care how silly this may sound to some, but I know what I feel and I can't explain it in any other way.

I have my sad moments, sometimes several times a day...times when I feel like my body is numb. Times when I get so angry I shake. Times when I want to give up. When things like that happen I let myself feel them. I need to do that or I will never move on. And you all have to remember...when I write in this blog, its usually when I have my thoughts together(for the short moment they are). You don't see me and how I am doing every second of everyday. Just know Im doing the best I can...not for you, not for me, but for CHAD. I have a new forgiveness in my heart. Don't take advantage of that though...I'm still tough as nails. :)

I got 3 letters from Chad in the mail today. It's funny because I just had a feeling to check my mail. I read them and I swear I could hear his voice reading it to me. It was bittersweet. It was good to know how much he loves me ad how hard he worked to come home to me. At the same time, it hurt to hear him talk about our future. I just hope he is up there and knows it will be ok. I hope he isn't sad and disappointed he didn't get the time to do the things with me he wanted. I'm not sure why that reason is yet...and my heart truly did start to sting when I read some of his words. But the time we did have together, couldn't have been more perfect. Excuse me for bragging, but I honestly think Chad and I had a love that some people go their whole lives without finding. That alone, knowing I had that for 2 years, makes me feel complete. Chad was happy. He told me so...on the phone, in his letters, and to my face. I'm glad that I made him just as happy as he made me. If you have ever read my previous blog entries, I have said that many times. Now, I finally believe that I have.

9 comments:

  1. Katie-

    I am very glad to see that you are keeping up with your blog. You are so beautiful inside out, and Chad was very blessed to have been married to you! You already know this, but he will always be in your heart. No one will ever take that place!!!!!

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  2. i have been reading you blogs katie and i love every single one. i wish i could just hug you though

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  3. that 'peace' you have is from the Lord and that is what i've been praying for you.
    it's a peace only the Lord can give and like you said...that doesn't mean you aren't sad...far from it.
    the Lord gave us all of these emotions and they are normal.

    You are a strong woman!! Chad i'm positive is so proud of you and the strength you are showing and living out each day.

    Bless You!!!

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  4. im so glad u finally have some peace you have been on my mind alot ever since I heard and let me just say your are such a strong woman and I know without a doubt that your husband is unbelievably proud of you . I love reading your blogs and I wish so much that you lived closer to me so maybe some how I could be of more help. Ill continue to pray for you and for the lord to continue to give you strength.. !

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  5. Katie, I know you don't me, but I've enjoyed keeping up with your blog. I'm thrilled you're still writing. You have a natural talent for writing and are very gifted.

    Some women only dream of being as strong as you're being right now. I'm so thankful the Lord is answering our prayers for you to have His peace that surpasses all understanding. It seems as if the Lord is moving in your life. I'm praying daily for you and for Tami. I've mentioned before...but I'm a long time ago friend. I remember the day your sweet hubby was born. Stacy and I were best friends as kids. I admire you and your strength. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

    In the meantime...I think that peace verse is somewhere in Philippians. I am saying extra prayers for you this morning.

    Love, In Christ,

    Jennifer

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  6. I remember myself at that point, the crazy emotions but the determination to go on. It's a long, long journey that I myself have only just begun as well, but it seems you've got such a positive outlook and that makes me happy for you. I can tell you're a fighter like me and you'll pull through this with the love of your husband! Hold on to all those signs, they are real and you are not crazy. Maybe one day when you're less cluttered (in the mind, I remember that, I couldn't organize a single thought) we can talk about all those "strange things" and signs we had. I love hearing others' and talking about my own. Please know that you can contact me whenever you want, as we walk this journey together know that you are not alone, there are, unfortunately, so many out there like us. Much love to you!

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  7. Katie, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. It is evident that so many people love and care about you. You definitely are a true example of a Marine wife-- always faitful.

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  8. Katie, I stumbled across your blog today. You are with out a doubt, the strongest woman I've ever come across. You are handling this with such poise and grace. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for being an inspiration.

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  9. Katie,

    I don't know you but my heart breaks for you.
    I will pray for you that you find the strength
    to get through this.

    Diane

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