Moving

My last move was from the home I shared with my husband, to a new apartment just Remi and I. It was tough to say the least, and a journey I'll never forget. Definitely the hardest time I went through after Chads passing.

I packed up Chads things for the first time. It was the first time I moved his toothbrush and razor. The first time to take down his clothes in the closet, and the clothes in his drawers, completely untouched since the day he left for Afghanistan. I sold the bed frame and furniture we shared together. I think the hardest part was packing up my husbands things while the rest of his Battalion was coming home to their families.  And only after a few days in my new place was his first birthday in heaven, and also his memorial service on base. The mix of emotions I felt during this time is unexplainable. And to this day, when I'm not quite feeling "at home," I drive back to our apartment. Unfortunately, the haunting feeling of getting notified at that apartment door hits me. It got to the point where I couldn't stand the sound of someone knocking at my door. If I was expecting someone, I always asked them to just walk in. As much as I loved the memories I shared with Chad there, that was the place my life was changed forever. And even when I was shopping for my new place, I always looked for a doorbell. It's just a silly sound, but hearing that strange knock on my door December 1st forever made me a doorbell person. To this day I still don't understand why I didn't even bother to look through the peephole in my door to see who was on the other side. I would've never answered it.

The whole point of this entry is that I am moving again. This time into a house I'm renting. And it wasn't until I started packing that the reminder of my last move was during such a completely different place in my life. I'm not moving to runaway this time. I'm  moving because I'm happy with the person I am with now, and I want to share a new life with him. It also wasn't until I started reading really old letters from Chad, that I knew he was happy for me. At that exact moment, I could feel him looking down on me and smiling. This is what I deserve, and I fully believe Chad thinks so too. Strange knocks on the door no longer make my stomach churn. And just because my closet doesn't have Chads clothes hanging next to mine, doesn't mean he's not here. I can simply look at the stars and know he's there.

While reading a letter I found in the middle of packing, one thing in particular hit home. ‎"No matter where I am, what I'm doing, or how long it's been, my love for you will never change." Oh my, can you imagine the instant tears streaming down my face! He wrote that letter to me before we were even married. It's the little reminders like that, that prove he's still with me no matter where I am.

Thank you Chad. Thank you for taking me on this journey. Thank you for keeping faith in me when I didn't think I would wake up the next morning. Thank you for showing me happiness again and that everything WILL be ok. Because even when I didn't have anyone else by my side, I had you in spirit. I love you unconditionally, and thank you for reminding me that you will always love me the same. No matter what, when, or where. 

Feeling sorry for myself I guess you could say. I don't even know if anyone will see this, but I just need to get things off my chest.

Losing my husband has forever changed my life in ALL aspects. Do I like to use it as a crutch, no. And maybe it's not all of because of what happened to me 2 years ago. Maybe it's a lifetime of  events that have made me this way. I will say that losing my best friend has changed me more than anything else has in my past.

I am my own worst critic. There's nothing anyone else could say that hurts me more than my own thoughts. But add on 2 years of discrimination and hate doesn't help that either. All widows go through the same scrutiny as I have. Judgements, opinions, and people who just aren't sure what to Say or do. Death effects all who are in it's path. Wives, parents, friends, coworkers, aunts, cousins...and the list goes on. I have learned to forgive the ones who have hurt me along the way, because we were ALL hurting and coping in our own ways. But even forgiveness doesn't take away the scars.

Grief is a time of hurt, self exploration, guilt, tears, uncertainty, denial, and any other confusing emotion there is. I will never be the same person. In good ways and in bad.  I stop trusting a long time ago. And for the rest of my life, I think trust will be my biggest obstacle. Trusting myself, has shown to be the hardest part. Through all the arguments and hurt feelings, I think to myself, am I the only one to blame?  But people make mistakes right? I just hold such a high standard to myself that, that isn't an option.

To all the people who I have hurt. I am sorry. To all the people who don't understand, please be patient with me. Just because life is getting better on the outside, doesn't mean I don't cry everyday on the inside.

Life is hard work. Everyone has there obstacles and we are all just trying to figure things out, one day at a time. What is easy for me, might not be easy for you.  And I guess at the end of the day, we are all trying to move past our scars and move on to a better tomorrow. So why is it so hard for me?
In my perfect world, I would tuck myself away and shut out the rest of the world. That's not healthy, but to me it's the safest way to be. And if I decided to let anyone in, they couldn't ever leave.

Sometimes I forget that this is a never ending journey. New triggers will appear, and I will have to learn how to deal with them along the way. People will come and go in my life, and I will have to learn to love, and let go, many more times. I will always have to learn how to love myself, even when I don't think I'm worth it. Because without loving myself, it's hard to love anyone else. So why do I keep striving for perfection? Perfection doesn't exist. Isn't it the flaws that make us the most beautiful and unique?

I find myself wanting the life I never got to have. A life with Chad and our own little family. Unfortunately, that will never be. I will never get to have Chad back. I will never have his children, and grow old with him. Nothing will ever hurt me more than knowing this. It will always be unfair. Through all of that, you might think that at least I'm lucky enough to have life. Do you know what it feels like to hurt so much, you'd do anything to fall asleep and never wake up? Pain so deep, that you can't imagine going on in life. I struggle with that everyday. Being thankful to see another day, and yet guilty for the same exact thing.

I don't want to be sad or to burden others with my sadness, but I don't want to be alone either. I want to be happy with what I have, instead of feeling guilty for having it. I want to be normal. I want to be carefree and loving. I want to be a regular 22 year old, with 22 year old problems.



I'm not really sure if I accomplished anything I wanted to say today, but when I start writing, it just starts to pour out. All the thoughts I couldn't put into words...and all the tucked away feelings I didn't realize I had.

Surprisingly...

Things get easier.

Since day one, I've always said that I don't ever plan on being fully healed.  The deep twinge of pain is never too far away.

I was always told it would get easier to handle, but I brushed it off and couldn't ever  imagine an "easy" day. I thought I'd want to die everyday for the rest of my life. I thought I'd always wake up angry, simply because I didn't die in my sleep. I thought food would never taste good again. I thought maybe I could smoke my life away. I never thought I'd trust or love again. Basically, I thought I'd live the rest of my life in misery.

I've gone through phases of optimism, and then wanted to give up the next day. My life was a roller coaster for a year. I begged and begged for some sort of stability, so I started school. One thing I don't think people even know or understand, is that was a whole other obstacle on its own. I cant even count how many days I wanted to throw in the towel. I thought I started school too early after Chads death. Sometimes I still think I did. Even though I can't say I want to spend the rest of my life giving facials and waxing, I sucked it up and finished and got my Esthetician license. I finished for me, for Chad, and for everyone counting on me. It was rough to say the least, but I now can gladly pat myself on the back for that accomplishment. It may not be much, and it might not be the career I choose to follow, but I finished while enduring one of the hardest times of my life. 

I took some time off after school to recooperate. Fortunately I am lucky enough to be able to do that. 
In that period of time, I think I've healed the most. I got back to the nitty gritty of who I really am. Finally I have that some sort of "self" I was so desperately looking for.  I feel incredibly independent and empowered. 

All of that being said, it has been quite the journey! A lot of healing and self exploration. So many other things come into play, but I'm happy to say it does get easier to cope. You learn how to manage through everyday. 

I will forever miss and love my sweet Chad. To this day, I'd still give anything to have him by my side. As long as I live, I will keep his memory alive.  And hopefully one day, I can name my son after him. His sacrifice will proudly be talked about in my home. Those who come into my life, will always know about the amazing man I called my husband. Chad will NEVER be far from my heart and mind.

And as ass backwards as it sounds, I thank him. I thank him for giving his life and taking me on this journey. Because without him and his sacrifice, I don't think I'd ever be the person I am today. I thank him for showing me pain, love, passion, forgiveness, healing, and strength.  

Now I am thankful to wake up every morning. I appreciate the fact that I have a life to live and a future to look forward to. 

So thank you Chad. As I sit here and look at the stars, I know your looking down and smiling. You've  been waiting for this moment. It took me a lot to get here, but babe I made it. Im doing good and I'm happy. And even though I can't hear it, I know you're telling me how proud of me you are. That is all I've ever wanted. I miss you and love more today than I ever have. Keeping watching over me, and I promise to keep trucking along. :)

Cry

Technically Chad's 24th birthday was yesterday, but here I am, still up at 2:21 in the morning just wanting to sleep all of this away. I will share photos and details of how I spent this day celebrating him, but for now, I just need to cry.

I'm crying because this is so fucking unfair. Why am I sitting here along celebrating the 2nd birthday my husband isn't here? I don't want it to be today. I want it to be 3 years ago when I celebrated Chads birthday with him. My living and breathing Chad. The Chad that was sitting next to me on our tiny love seat in our tiny house on base, eating sticky chicken. I want to go back to that birthday, not this one.

I'm crying because I am angry and completely heartbroken. He deserved all the birthdays in the world. We were suppose to celebrate years and years of life. We were suppose to grow old together and die together. This isn't the way it's suppose to be, the way it should be.

Why?!? Why did this have to happen? Why does my husband have to be buried in the ground? Why do I have to have the title of a widow? It's so incredibly unfair.

This still feels like a terrible dream. I want to wake up and everything to be the way it was meant to be. I want to be that 20 year old, naive, head over heels in love, Mrs. Wade. I want to roll over and hear Chad talking in his sleep. I want to wake up to the strong smell of his cologne, him kissing me goodbye before he leaves for work. I want to check my phone and see a missed message or call from "My Baby." I want to wash dirty cammies and have random military gear all over the house. I want to hang up his towel he always left on the floor after taking a shower. I want to attempt to carry him to bed, when he passed out on the couch at 7: 30 each night. I want to remember what it felt like to hold his hand, to see his facial expressions, and to hear his voice.

After a good cry, I always fall into a stage of some kind of shock. I'm drained and all I want to do is sleep all my worries away. Sleep everything away. Sleep away life until I am in his arms again.

Falling apart

Sometimes I wish I could lend my brain to someone else for a day. Could someone else sort out everything? Give some good advice? Or would they think I'm just as crazy as I feel?

 I'm not sure if it's the grieving or me losing my marbles, but I feel so scatter brained I can barely keep up. I can't make decisions to save my life, and simple tasks exhaust me. It's like I can't even escape myself. I just want to unscrew my head, take out my brain, and chunk it out the window. Being a zombie sounds more appealing than what I'm dealing with.

Losing my mind is causing me to lose my sleep. It keeps me up all night, and wakes me up at all hours. I just want to sleep. Really sleep. I want to wake up feeling refreshed. I want to be able to conquer an entire day without feeling like I need to tape my eyes open. Being exhausted everyday doesnt even begin to explain it. It's a different kind of tired. It's as if every single cell in my body is begging for a break.

I need to take better care of myself, but I'm not sure how. I have no motivation to do much of anything. When I do find the motivation, before I know it, just the thought of getting started is overwhelming. Then I'm back to square one wishing I could sleep all my problems away. It's like a vicious cycle. All I want to do is sleep, but then I wake up to the same problems and hours of wasted time.

I just don't feel right, like my whole system is off. Food is hardly ever appealing these days. I'm always tired. Ive been sick twice in the past month. My body aches. I feel like I'm barely making it through the days. Everyday is like one day closer to my body finally giving up. I just want to sleep....

What I wish I knew then...

It's been a whole year and a half since my world was completely turned upside down. Hell, I remember writing a post only 11 days after, in disbelief that I was still walking this planet. It's a bitter sweet feeling knowing I've made it this far.

I look back to a year ago this month and it feels like a whole lifetime ago. Chad's battalion got home from the deployment, and his memorial was on his birthday. I was at a place were I was angry and confused. Knowing he didn't come back with the guys felt like a giant slap in the face and a middle finger blurring my vision.

Dear 1 year ago self,

Don't let all the "critics" get to you. They have no fucking clue what is like to walk a day in your shoes. If you spend all that time letting people break you down, you'll find yourself picking up the pieces for the rest of your life. Whether what you're doing is right or wrong, they will always have an opinion. Don't waste your time. You'll soon learn they aren't worth it.

Slow down!! You don't have to have the whole world figured out yet! Take a step back and just be. Feel how good if feels to just be alive and to breathe. You will wake up in the morning to a brand new day.

Those first few nights crying alone in your new place, will become farther and fewer between. It wont sting as much, and believe it or not...one day you will actually prefer to cry alone. Picking up the phone rarely happens these nights. You have yourself to fall back on, and you'll learn what you need in that very moment to get through it. Even with that being said, it is still ok to fall back on others when you have those extra rough nights.

For the first time in your life you will accomplish something that makes you so proud of yourself. It will be hard and you will want to give up towards the end, but you'll stick it out anyways. One day you will have a well-earned diploma in your hand. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for that one. :)

Last but not least, life has a way or working things out. You might not see it but there's a reason for everything. You will grow up so much after all of this. You will meet amazing people and people who, to put it bluntly, fuck you over. I know you're thinking, "How could anyone take advantage of a young widow?" Well hunny, don't be so naive, because they will if you let them. Just know that through the process you learn more about yourself and the world around you. Cherish the ones who do care. I know it's hard and scary, but trust me...you'd miss them if they were gone.

Is this just a phase? Am I just now starting the process of growing into the woman I am suppose to be? I have no clue. I'm just along for the ride I guess.

I've grown up my entire life dreaming of my fairy tale, grown up life. Now for the first time EVER, I am questioning every thing I thought I wanted. I grew up playing with baby dolls, practicing and anticipating the day I would be a mommy. Having kids almost meant more to me than getting married. I spent 6 months with Chad trying to get pregnant. After he passed away, I told myself that whether I found a man one day or not, I'd have kids on my own.

The past few months, having kids doesn't seem so appealing. I am in no way trying to offend anyone for having or wanting kids. At one time, that is all I dreamed about. But did I dream it because it is what I wanted, or because I felt like that was how normal people do things? You get married and have kids. In that order. The thought never crossed my mind that I could live happily any other way.

I'm not completely cutting out the idea of my head, but for the first time, I'm considering other options. Some days I don't even know if I want to get married again. Do I hope I find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, yes!! But my need to be a wife and a mom isn't as strong as it use to be. Even if it was, that wouldn't be for a very, very long time. What if that long time comes around and I still don't want it? That is ok. 2 years ago just the thought of never having either of those things gave me anxiety.

Maybe the thought of getting married again scares me because of what I have been through. Maybe it's unappealing because it's so scary to even think of trusting someone else all over again,while running the risk of losing them. Maybe I don't want to wear another mans ring on my finger. I will always have hope that I can find love like I had with Chad, again. But am I willing to get married all over again, I don't even know anymore.

Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's fear, maybe I'm growing up. Maybe I have no idea what I am talking about...